COLUMN: Not remotely in control
According to the Web site www.ideafinder.com, the first television remote control came about in the 1950s with a Zenith model that was called “Lazy Bones.” It used a long cable that attached the remote control to the television set.
I am sure the creators of the remote control could not have foreseen the scope of which their creation has become, or the hell it has caused me and millions of others just like me.
You see, there are those on this planet who spent their entire lives trying to come up with ways to torture innocent people with the remote control and today, the art of channel-flipping has been perfected by a person I like to refer to as my wife.
There are many evil and assorted types of remote control flippers‚ but most of them can be separated out into one of the following categories:
The Blank-expression, Drool-on-the-pillow Flippers
This type of flipper has typically been watching television long enough that there is more brain activity going on in the head of their dog Sparky (who is licking his own butt) than in their own cranium. The single brain impulse causing their thumb to press the remote will finally give out and they often find themselves either watching The Home Shopping Network or a late-night infomercial.
With no brain energy to defend themselves, these poor saps easily give into the sales pitches of these programs and soon find their homes filled with hundreds of sharp knives, cooking gadgets, gaudy jewelry and exercise paraphernalia by Richard Simmons or, even worse, Tony Little.
The Anti-commercial Flipping Patrol
These are the brave souls who feel it is their duty to keep everyone safe from the prolonged effects of commercials on the human brain. They are sometimes late getting back to the program and miss crucial parts of the story, but it is all in the name of safety and is well worth everyone else missing out on the show.
The Flip-flip-flip-rest, flip-flip-flip-rest type
They either have obsessive-compulsive disorder or are just naturally obnoxious. In either case, watching television with a person like this is about as enjoyable as having every single one of your teeth drilled at the same time.
The I’m-watching-three-shows-simultaneously-and-there’s-not-a-damn-thing-you-can-do-about-it kind
This is the last and most perverse kind of television flipper, because they think they are an Anti-commercial flipper, but really their intention is to completely drive everyone else in the room to self mutilation and in the end, insanity.
My wife is the queen of this last group. I have seen her successfully watch five different shows at the same time and come away feeling completely fulfilled. Meanwhile, I have crawled under the couch and have chewed through the carpet, the sub-floor and excavated halfway to Earth’s core.
If you face this type of suffering in your home, I have a few solutions for you that have been helpful to me in my life.
First, remember to be supportive on the surface, but do underhanded things to get back at them, like keeping a spare set of worn out batteries on-hand and replacing the good ones with bad ones every once in a while. You can also hide the remote under pillow cushions or behind the couch for a little bit of side entertainment.
Second, if you feel your life force being sucked from your body by the eminent channel-flipping, go and eat an entire gallon of ice cream as fast as you can. Of course, you will be committing suicide by way of an ice-cream headache, but your death will be much less painful.
Lastly, simply love them for who they are and never, ever watch television with them again. Well, either that or make sure you beat them to the remote.
Bryce Casselman’s column appears every other Monday in The Statesman. Comments can be sent to him at yanobi@hotmail.com.