COLUMN: Nothing to watch
In the ever-bustling conglomerating environment that is the sporting world, there are those weeks that just seem to fly off like a rocket and never seem to stop. I’m talking big games, bigger stories, speculation and predictions the universe over, and angry fans flooding comments boards and sports columns with every ounce of disdain in their known being, especially to Rick Reilly.
It is one of those weeks that resoundingly reminds all of us point-hungry manly men and feisty women just why we are sports fans.
This isn’t one of those weeks.
The NFL Conference Championships were last week; the Super Bowl is next week. We’ve already talked Kobe, LeBron, Tebow, Paterno, the Spectrum, Prince Fielder, Tebow, beginning bracketology debates, the Australian open and, of course, Tebow, and what do we have to discuss this week?
Nothing much, just waiting.
Yep, welcome to the aura and withering groan that is the slow sports week. It’s times like these when we’d ideally be safer shutting off the TV and going out for frozen yogurt.
But we’re sports fans; we need a sporting event in our lives just like Crash Bandicoot needs peaches. We need something to watch to save face — it just comes down to what. And in my mind’s eye, we honestly have two choices.
First we have the Pro Bowl, which I call the “Oh, brother…” of All-Star Games. Sure it’s the supposed best of the best playing a happy-go-lucky, easy-going game of pigskin in hopes someone in general society notices.
Unfortunately, our only advantage here is supposed star power filling up a game that has no time to strategize anything formal on the field, lacks any extra notable event on the side, while preceding the most anticipated social event of the year in the Super Bowl, all adding up to a yawn fest that doesn’t even involve anyone named Ochocinco.
You know what could potentially save the Pro Bowl? Try me out on this: a Field Goal Derby. Eight kickers, 10 balls each, at different distances, with high-powered fans everywhere. It’s bold, it’s exciting and it just might make Billy Cundiff feel better about himself. I’m all over it.
Then we have the second-biggest event, which I just call “Brother!” in Hulk Hogan’s voice, the WWE Royal Rumble. Now, many of you may not consider professional wrestling a sport, but when I was a kid — and this goes with all my other 9-year-old old peeps rocking Floristan Avenue in Los Angeles.
Many consider the Rumble to be the second-best pay-per-view event just short of WrestleMania, and a spectacle that can’t be missed with 30 juiced-up grapplers in an over-the-top robe elimination battle royal for a shot at a world title match, which is just the cherry on top of a night of heavy hits, stunning storylines and Jerry the King Lawler yelling stuff.
Haven’t been into wrestling in forever? That’s no problem. After 10 solid minutes of any wrestling match, the commentators will catch you right up. This is indeed your viewing option, if you have dreams of Stone Cold Steve Austin, the Rock and Mr. Socko dancing in your head at night. Who knows? It may even fill you with an evening of suspense and fun.
Of course, it’s $45 a pop just to watch it, and you could find the results online beforehand anyway, so I guess it’s sixes.
So what do you watch this week, sports fans? Do you enjoy a free-for-viewing collage of actual athletes gallivanting around Hawaii grass in a lackluster fashion, or a high-powered, staged slobber-knocker that is just one Rosie Huntington-Whiteley short of becoming “Transformers 4: Dawn of the Headlock,” that runs at about the price of a car-insurance payment. The choice is yours and yours alone.
I, for one, will be watching ESPN Classic. I think they’re showing “Jordan Rides the Bus” that night. Solid flick.
– Steve Schwartzman is a junior studying communication studies. He has had just about every job in sports writing, including blogs, analysis, statistics and fantasy football tips, but especially loves making bold picks. Think you can out-pick Steve? Let him know: steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu.