COLUMN: Now, readers, some of my experiences in the dating game
Dating and relationships are hard, and there’s no science to it, so the only way you can figure out what works for you is to try and try again. Yes, you guessed it; now I am going to write about my long and sometimes dreadful road of dating successes and failures and what I have learned through experience and observation.
Sometimes we get frustrated when a relationship doesn’t go the way we want it to, and we seek answers we may never receive to questions in our heads. We tend to overthink everything, and we don’t take rejection too lightly; we attempt to concoct logical answers to why he hasn’t called or texted, when in reality, it’s probably simply because his interest just isn’t there.
When several readers asked me what I do to let a guy know I like them, I simply replied that I make time for them. We all have crazy, busy lives, but somehow we can always make time for what we really want to do. Saying you don’t have time for something is like saying you don’t want to do it. If someone really likes you, it’s as simple as realizing how much they really want to be with you.
Looking back on my own life, there have been so many relationships I knew my heart wasn’t in, but I still kept trying to make it work when I knew it was doomed to fail.
I think sometimes we feel we have to prove to ourselves we can have a functional relationship and keep someone interested for longer than a few dates, that maybe you could learn to like this person who treats you so well and is obviously interested. But I have learned if you don’t see it going anywhere, cut it off immediately. Seriously, the sooner the better.
The longer you drag it out, the harder it will be on both of you.
I always preach if someone is brave enough to ask you out, the least you can do is go out with them, unless of course they give you the absolute creeps and make you fear for your life or sanity. I believe everyone deserves a fair chance, but I’ve also learned accepting a second date signals to them that you are interested. If there is no interest whatsoever after the first date, save them time and money and don’t go out with them again – otherwise you may be put in a situation neither of you want to be in. You will have to explain why you’re not interested and they will have to hear the hurtful words. Just be careful with other people’s feelings and don’t drag anything on longer than it needs to be.
Another lesson I’ve learned the hard way is the difference between being flirty and forward. I’ve never been the girl to make the first move, but decided I was going to instigate a conversation with a guy I was attracted to and wanted to get to know. Since it was out of the norm for me to do this, he immediately thought I had some serious interest in him. When we did go out, he saw another guy was texting me and was immediately upset that I was still talking to other guys. He labeled me as a jerk.
The moral of the story: make your intentions known from the very beginning to avoid any miscommunications. There is nothing wrong with being a little forward; just make sure the other person doesn’t assume you’re madly in love with them.
Throughout my dating experience – and to this day – I still dread the door scene when they come to pick me up. I never know what to say when I first open the door and always say something dumb. One time, I was going out with this guy; I was really excited about it, but I was so nervous. I had thought about everything – except when he knocked, I realized I had no idea what I would say when I opened the door. All my roommates were in the front room as my audience, and when I opened the door, all I could think to say was, “Hi, are you ready? Lets go.”
He just looked at me like, “Isn’t that supposed to be my line?” Obviously he was ready, because he was waiting at the door to go. I was so embarrassed, but I don’t t
hink he thought too much about it. We actually ended up having a really good time and even ended up dating.
Don’t gauge how a date is going to go from the doorstep scene. If it’s awkward at first, don’t immediately write them off. It’s nerve-racking when they first get there to pick you up because it’s the first impression, and you can’t do that over. Allow time for the nerves to calm down before deciding if they’re weird or awkward. Some of my best dates have started with awkward door scenes, but by the end of the date we were both laughing about it or have forgotten entirely. Don’t kick yourself the whole night for saying something stupid or not being completely charming at first; it’ll come.
Most importantly, if you have dated someone in the past and it didn’t work out, don’t go back. Sometimes there’s too much history to erase, and it will only cause more damage to try to make it work again. There may always be some feelings there, but there was obviously a reason it didn’t work out the first time. If you are getting red flags in a relationship you’re currently in, it’s usually just better to say goodbye.
Like they say, “Once something breaks, it’s better to leave it alone than hurt yourself trying to put it back together.” If a relationship is not emotionally or physically healthy for you, don’t mess around. You deserve better.