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COLUMN: One awesome day with Steve

    We all know the rule – at least those who have seen “Heavyweights” do.  It is a verbal edict that has stood the test of time for over 15 years now.  As summer camp favorite Pat Finley looks over the crowd of overweight pre-teen casualties shortly after an all-night snack food binge, he inquires the boys of the lesson they learned that day. And out of Camper Roy’s mouth it comes:

    “Don’t put Twinkies on your pizza.”

    Perhaps curiosity got the best of us, or drinking an entire 12-pack of Tab and stockpiles of sugary breakfast cereal thwarted our nutrition-seeking minds, but the time has come to put this ever undisputed rule to the test.

    After four hours, a Papa Murphy’s pizza and two packages of America’s favorite crème-filled snack later Adam, Trisha and I had in front of us none other than the sweet, salty collaborated behemoth of all pies.

    And what’s more, it wasn’t disgusting, and as far as I can tell my digestive system is still doing its job.

    Myth … busted.

    Our excursion to give pizza its own rightful Hostess bedsheet ran as the perfect theme to what was the perfect day. Or as I should phrase it, the perfect – wait for it – day with Steve.  Let’s take a look at the day that made birds sing, starting with our winners.

    Trisha Deem, a Sandy, Utah, native, was chosen as the inaugural “Spend a Day with Steve” female winner. The social studies composite education major clearly earned her way into winning the coveted position after nine consistent months of closely following the weekly “Just a Few Laughs” series.

    According to the count, she posted the most comments via e-mail, website and Facebook than any reader and was the spoken inspiration for several segments in past columns.

    Here’s an excerpt from her written entry:

    “If I could have my name mentioned in the Statesman, I would die a happy Aggie. Also, I have kissed on every statue on this campus and am trying to get it established as an unofficial Aggie tradition. I have named it, “Epic Aggie.” Spread the word. Steve, I am confident that you will make the right choice in selecting me to spend a day with you.”

    Maryland homer and “Spend a Day with Steve” male winner Adam Nettina took confidence, wit and the overwhelming tour of ‘90s pop culture into his rightful throne as one of Steve’s most devoted fans.

    Adam has accomplished near as much as can be done in Logan outside of his dream of going on a date with what he calls “a good Mormon girl,” and his impeccable taste in sports and food tugged on my bromantic heartstrings. A segment of his contest entry oughta prove that it was only uphill from there.

    “I’m not a big deal, but Steve is, and by the associative property of kind-of-a big-deals in Europe I will become popular enough to be elected Emperor of Luxembourg. Word to your mother.”

    And what’s more, he claimed to be Christopher Lloyd.

    After a memorable lunch at Chick-Fil-A and shopping for supplies (i.e. Waffle crisp) we made our way back to campus to sign some autographs. After an hour of traveling the grounds, meeting admirers and even enjoying Adam’s spreading of my work over microphone and speaker we received a great reception.

    Six … I think. Maybe seven. But hey, one of them was Matt Formisano, so we can’t complain.

    On our way from the impromptu fan session, we paid a surprise visit to the famed Suzann and Darla of the languages, philosophy and speech department. Adam and Trisha were so thrilled to meet past column characters you would’ve thought they had caught a home run hit by Mickey Kaline of “Hey Arnold” fame.

    After Twinkie pizza, cereal and whipped cream and a celebratory viewing of “Rookie of the Year,” the glorious day was done. We had fun, we lived our dreams and we all coincidentally wore green. We became instant best friends – our own Otto, Twister and Reggie Rocket with a “woogity woogity” secret handshake sewn by our own hearts. Biggest fans they were and more.

    To all my readers (now known as “Schwartzheads”), after an awe-inspiring year, thank you. For my final advice I leave you with the words the magnificent Zordon himself:

    “Let the power protect you.”

    And with that, I’m out. See ya next fall.

– Steve Schwartzman is a sophomore majoring in marketing and minoring in speech communication. His column runs every Wednesday. He loves sports, comedy and creative writing. He encourages any comments at his e-mail steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu, or find him on Facebook.