COLUMN: ‘Plain-clothes professors’ on the loose
Some professors will grade students on tests alone, others on assignments and projects and still others on labs or attendance. But I think it’s only fair to warn all students of a new and devious evaluation strategy professors have concocted.
You may have once thought it was your own prerogative to either sleep in class or doodle instead of taking notes. Now professors are willing to grade even this last refuge of student freedom.
Does this scare anyone besides me?
I guess it doesn’t affect those who actually do pay attention and take notes, but the rest of us are in deep trouble.
What cunning approach have professors taken to monitor our class attention level? Most of you should be familiar with the term, “plain-clothes cop” (some probably too familiar). Well, the term is no longer monopolized by police.
That’s right, we now have plain-clothes professors.
What, exactly, are plain-clothes professors? Well, to put it simply, they are professors who go undercover in a classroom, acting as if they are normal students, but who are really monitoring students’ attentions. A plain-clothes professor could be sitting right next to you in class at any given moment, watching your eyelids and note-taking, scrutinizing every perceptible sigh or groan.
Is it possible to recognize and avoid these secret professor agents? The answer, you’ll be relieved to discover, is, “yes.” Granted, it’s not easy, but it is possible. You see, these professors have successfully created some pretty decent disguises, and they’ve studied students enough that they believe they can imitate them fairly well. However, there are a couple of critical tell-tells.
I regard it my duty to make you privy to these indicators. Ironically enough, the clothing is often the first give-away on a plain-clothes professor. Though their clothes will be from such stores as Old Navy, Gap and (of course) Wal-Mart, the outfits will often seem almost too new (as they are used only for classes). In fact, many times you will notice store tags that have unwisely been left on.
Language is another give-away. Keep your eyes open for any student who seems to overly use such terms such as “dude,” “cool” and “radical.” Many times professors will not realize that these terms are either not used often or simply outdated.
Be suspicious of any student who does not seem to dread taking a test, or in fact, might even be excited for it, muttering something like, “This reminds me of the final exam I had back in Columbia in ’78.”
Watch for any student with a strange name. A strange name is usually an indicator of a plain clothes professor trying to be creative with his or her alias (i.e. Pythagorean H. Theorem, for a math class).
And, of course, the biggest give-away of all is that one student in your class who keeps defending the 43 percent tuition hike.
So now that you are able to identify these plain-clothes professors in your classroom, what is the next step? For the good of everyone in your class, you must reveal them for who they are. I’ve found that this can actually be relatively easy.
In the middle of class you simply need to stand up, point out the window and shout, “Look, a truck full of scholarly journals just got in a wreck outside our building and spilled its contents everywhere!”
There is not a professor in the world who can resist this tempting ruse. Marty Reeder is a senior majoring in history education.
Any comments or volunteers for plain clothes students can reach him at martr@cc.usu.edu