COLUMN: Products make false claims like ‘odorless’ and ‘spot free’
As I wandered down the aisles of the vast open space called Wal-Mart last week, wondering what I could afford to buy on my meager student budget, I was amused by the myriad products offered to the consumer.
But it wasn’t the quantity of products I found interesting as much as it was the types of claims those products make to the weary consumer, lost in the maze of commercial moneymaking.
Take for example any product that claims to be “odorless.” Many make this claim – for things like clothing and air fresheners to cleaning products. This simple tag is meant to say that when the product is applied, you will not smell it. RIGHT.
Another claim in this category is “fragrance free” lotion. How many hand lotions really have absolutely no scent at all. Last time I tried one of these smell-less lotions, my hands smelled like wet cardboard. You see, not devoid of essence.
But why limit this to the small number of products that have scents? Let’s branch into cleaning supplies. Start with Windex – you know, the good-smelling blue stuff you use to clean your windows. Their slogan has always been, “A streak free shine, every time.” Hahahahahaha. Right. How many times have you used window cleaner and had to rub the window a little harder to get rid of that smoky haze left by the cleaner? I tell you, last time I used my multi-purpose Windex, I had to wash the windows twice to get them “streak free.” If it is supposed to be every time, I think I need to return my defective bottle for a new one.
Then you also have the “one step” oven cleaners. Sure it’s one step. One really long, multi-faceted step. Spray, let sit, turn on oven and bake, wipe out … see – one step.
Then you have the “no-drip” cleaners. These take in everything from window cleaners to bathroom cleaners. But when you spray it on, it still seems to run. But that’s right, that would be running not dripping. My bad.
And the last thing we’ll look at in our cleaning section is dishwasher detergent. “Spot free.” Do I even need to say anything? If they are really spot free, why do they need to sell additional “clean rinse” products? Just a thought.
Personal products have similar problems. As I was looking for the right deodorant stick, I was amazed at the number that said they were “stainless” or “invisible.” Please, how many guys do you see with that embarrassing yellow pit in their shirts or how many times do you see that fun white powder on clothing that can only come from one place (hint, that powdered doughnut you ate is not the cause). Uh-hum.
Then you have soaps. Look at Clearasil’s face wash with its “100+ uses.” What the hell are you going to do with Clearasil? One hundred uses. Like what – washing your cat? I don’t think so. And while we are on the subject, “for-all-your-2000-parts” Lever seems to think it is the bar of the future. Let’s count, we have 20 parts in fingers and toes, 4 in arms and legs … well, I won’t break it down. But I can only come up with a total of 49 parts. If you add the tongue you would get 50.
And then we have my favorite, “ouch-less Band-Aids.” When was the last time you got one off without a little bit of pain?
So you see, we have so many products that claim to be something they are not. But I guess I won’t let that bother me. I will just sit here and eat my seedless grapes and be happy we have … damn, I think I just chipped a tooth on a seed. Argh!
Justin Berry is working toward his second bachelor’s degree in theater performance. Comments can be sent to justinsb26@hotmail.com.