COLUMN: Punxsutawney Phil is dead meat
If I ever meet up with Punxsutawney Phil, I’m going to shoot him in his shadow-dodging, winter-loving Punxsutawney patoot.
Phil saw his shadow this spring, guaranteeing us (according to the myth) another six weeks of winter. All the snow we received on Thursday was Phil’s fault.
You know, if it wasn’t for that oversized gopher, the sun might actually shine in this valley. But thanks to Phil the Coward, who got scared of his own shadow, we’re still running around in ski parkas and winter boots. I can’t even remember the last time the sun shined in Logan on back-to-back days.
What’s so frightening about a shadow anyway? Do you realize how high-strung you’d have be to get so spooked out by your own shadow that you go into hiding for six weeks? That groundhog has issues.
Phil should have joined the Witness Relocation Program – that would have been the considerate thing to do. The US government would have given him a membership T-shirt, a new identity (something catchy like Bountiful Bob or Logan Luey) and some credit cards to tour the world with while hiding from his shadow.
Meanwhile, the rest of us could have gotten on with life.
But no … Phil didn’t want to leave the comforts of his own home. He made that perfectly clear in an interview just days before Groundhog Day.
“I’ve got too many friends and family in Punxsutawney,” Phil told the Statesman in February. “I don’t want to leave. I’ve got everything I need right here in my hole. I’ve got a good retirement plan; I’m fully insured; I get paid for holidays and overtime – life’s been good to me. Why would I want to leave?
“I am Punxsutawney,” Phil continued. “I was born in Punxsutawney, and I’m going to die in Punxsutawney.”
I can live with that – so long as Phil doesn’t.
As you can see from that quote, Phil laid down the conditions himself. He had the chance to begin a new life somewhere else – someplace south of the border, where it’s warm all year long. But he chose to die in Punxsutawney, and that’s just peachy with me. I’ll even make the arrangements, if that’s what it takes to get the sun to come out from behind the clouds.
We’ve let this groundhog run our weather system for far too long now, anyway. We aren’t a third-world country. This is the United States of America. We are a world superpower. So why do we continue to let Punxsutawney Phil control the weather? We don’t let the Easter Bunny or the Tooth-Fairy get away with that type of behavior.
Our society would not tolerate it if Santa Clause brought an eight-week blizzard with him every time he came to town. Let’s face it: The elves aren’t producing the same quality toys they once did. I don’t think it’d break too many hearts if we all decided to celebrate Hanukkah and give Santa his walking papers.
But Santa’s a considerate and compassionate old man, and he does what any considerate person would do. When he comes to town, he leaves his weather at the North Pole.
He doesn’t run from his shadow, either, and that’s a huge bonus. He’s a true man – a role model for kids across the world.
Phil on the other hand … well, just look outside the window to see what kind of groundhog Phil is. He’s still hiding, down in his hole, waiting for his shadow to give up and leave him alone.
Now we sit and wait. We watch the snow fall and wonder if the sun will ever come again for an extended visit. We pray that Punxsutawney Phil will have the courage to face his demons.
Unfortunately for Phil, there’s only one way to assure he will never again see his shadow. I’m just wondering how he’d taste with a side of mashed potatoes and gravy.
Casey Hobson is a junior majoring in journalism. Comments can be sent to hobsonhut@hotmail.com