COLUMN: Real men wear flannel
There’s been a lot of talk lately about being a “man’s man.” Frankly, it’s about time the subject appears on the pages of the Statesman. They’re making beer commercials about it. We wouldn’t want to miss the boat.
I think it’s about time being a real man is “in” again. I’ve stood idly by while some of the greatest minds of my generation have chosen to wear girl pants and cute pink shirts and listen to techno. I’m not judging – nothing’s wrong with it, but it isn’t what a real man would do. I think the flannel-clad forefathers of manliness wouldn’t approve of the actions of many men of my generation.
When confronted with a question of what things a real man does, we must ask ourselves, “Would Chuck Norris approve, or round-house kick us in the face for our actions?” The answer is Chuck Norris would round-house kick you in the face anyway, but that’s really beyond the point. Come on, he’s Chuck Norris.
But enough about Chuck. You see, I’m a man’s man. I’ve worn a beard. I’ve spent a summer full of 110 degree days at the end of a shovel. I’ve cut down trees. I listen to metal – real metal like Pantera, In Flames, Dragon Force, Metallica, Anthrax, Megadeath, Motorhead, Mastodon and Zakk Wylde. Sorry, I just had to name drop. I eat meat and potatoes in possibly unhealthy quantities. And do other, super-secret, man things.
Women need to understand that men are rough. Men are rugged. Men stink. It’s just our nature. Real men wear beards, cut down trees, kill things with their bare hands, get in bar fights for fun, build things and watch sports while enjoying a cold one. And when I say sports, I don’t mean golf or tennis. Real men watch football, hockey, pro wrestling and UFC. Well, maybe the occasional Maria Sharapova tennis match, or women’s beach volleyball.
Women need to remember how far men have come. Ladies, serious, you don’t want to go back. There was a time when men didn’t court women – they clubbed them over the head and packed them back to the cave. Very romantic, I know. And yes, I know that statement just killed any possible chance I ever had with any woman at Utah State, but it had to be said. I digress.
We’ve came a long way, we aren’t asking for a parade or a certificate – or even a gold star – men just want a break sometimes. A real man does know how to treat women, but he isn’t going to be a sentimental mind reader. He isn’t going to watch “The Notebook” for the fifth time and cry on your shoulder. Keep dreaming.
Besides a lack of sentimentality, real men don’t read women very well. They spend too much time growing beards, building and destroying things, hunting for supper and playing “Cowboys from Hell” on Guitar Hero to study the behaviors of women in any sort of depth.
In reality, there are a lot of men – completely manly, or not – that just aren’t smooth. They don’t know how to talk to girls, and don’t know how to read them. Time for a confession – I only read women at about a second grade level. The perpetual testosterone haze that I live my life in may have something to do with it.
So ladies, you shouldn’t put so much pressure on us. And we can’t read minds so just tell us if you aren’t interested, or if you’re cold, or whatever is on your mind. Real men can handle the truth.
David Baker is an aries majoring in print journalism. Comments can be sent to dabake@cc.usu.edu.