COLUMN: Re-examining ‘True Aggie’ requirements
I am going to present to you a scenario.
There is a friend of mine who is a faithful, diligent, patriotic student at Utah State University. This friend attends all the athletic events, participates in student activities, doesn’t unnecessarily walk on the grass on the Quad, and regularly eats the Big Blue special at A&W’s. Despite his impressive resume, this friend, for all he does, is not considered a True Aggie.
For the “beyond incredibly ignorant” who don’t know, becoming a True Aggie requires kissing someone on the ‘A’ either on homecoming night, or during a full moon. This may seem pretty simply, right? I mean pretty much anyone with lips and a little gusto can achieve the title of “True Aggie” without even knowing what town they are in. The problem with my friend, however, is that, for all he is, the one thing he is not is socially capable. In fact, he is what I would dub, in the politically correct sense, “socially challenged.”
What does it mean to be “socially challenged”? I’m going to give you a quick, informal test to help you evaluate your own socially challenged status:
– Do you run away when someone says “hi” to you?
– Do you place a paper bag on your head every time you enter an elevator?
– Do you keep your eyes glued to the sidewalk traveling between classes in mortal fear of verbal contact with someone?
– Do you consider a date being in the same room as someone of the opposite gender – even if that person doesn’t know who you are?
If you answered “yes”, “maybe” or ran away after reading the above questions, your diagnosis is a clear case of socially challenged. Now, hopefully, you can better see the dilemma. Is it really fair to exclude these clearly patriotic USU students from the title “True Aggie,” just because they can’t come within a ten foot radius of another human being?
Of course not, and this is why I am proposing the True Aggie alternatives for the socially inept. These alternatives have been carefully crafted to fit within the mold of all types of socially challenged people, giving them options that are, of course, difficult, but very attainable for someone of their social standing.
So without further ado, I give you my suggestions. During a full moon or homecoming night, a socially challenged student must do one of the following on the ‘A’ to become a True Aggie:
1) Pass all levels of the original Super Mario Brothers within a twelve minute period.
2) Recite pi to the 456th decimal point.
3) Eat 53 consecutive corndogs (Vienna sausages are also an option).
4) From memory, list every single team to have won the World Series and the team member names.
5) Act out a complete Star Trek episode of your choice in full costume (the Klingon pronunciation must be completely accurate). Or, going along with this, for at least five minutes, give up to the second updates on the current filming status of the next Star Wars film.
With these carefully researched options put in place, we will not be alienating any student from this wonderful Aggie tradition. Most importantly, I will finally have the chance to become – eh, heh, heh, I mean, my “friend” will have the chance to become a True Aggie. (By the way, for those who would like to witness it, on homecoming night, I will be acting out the ever favorite episode 122 from Star Trek.)
Marty Reeder is a senior majoring in history education. Comments or virtual
auditions for Spock can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu