COLUMN: Remember, we’re all winners

So before I tell you how I did this weekend, I just want to say this – we’re all winners.

That being said, I was one of the losing winners. But at least I had fun.

I think that was the main problem though. I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to have fun, only pretend. Too bad I discovered this vital pageant secret too late.

But it wasn’t the only secret I learned too late. As I waited in my cute little tankini to go strut my stuff on stage, I watched as one of the other girls -and this is a true story – started doing squats in a swimsuit and heels. As I stared, trying to figure out if my eyes were playing tricks, she got on the floor and began doing pushups in her heels.

Luckily I had to strut away at that moment or I may have lost it completely.

In the dressing rooms, as I slipped on my dress for talent (over duck-taped boobs for those wondering about that particular dilemma), the girl walked back in and exclaimed with relief, “I can drink water again!”

Well, there was my problem. I drank water. I didn’t know the age-old body builder’s trick of water deprivation. If you avoid water for two days before a pageant, you lose water weight and your muscles stand out better.

And for those of you who missed it, the Condoleezza Rice question came up. Turns out when it comes right down to it, not everyone knows who she is.

Basically, in order to win the scholarship money, you have to spend it. All of it. Sparkly dresses, huge earrings, tanning, shoes, swimsuits and a whole heckuva lot of time add up. I only bought the lotion, fake eyelashes and duck tape.

The behind-the-scenes look is a bit frightening. A well-oiled machine of tan arms and legs flying everywhere as helpers zip dresses, recurl slightly unpoofy hair and – yes, it really does happen, and yes, I did it – spraying unknown substances on skin to keep swimsuits from riding up.

The odds were stacked against me from the beginning. I’m just not a pageant insider. I have short hair. I’m willing to state a well-defined opinion on something instead of being diplomatic about every issue. But to add to my already underdog status, I broke my toe.

I’m not actually sure about that, but it sure does hurt a lot. Running up the stairs to grab something I forgot, I fell and smashed my foot against a cement stair. So going into my one-on-one judge interview, I had to wear close-toed heels that smashed my newly swollen toe with it’s blood blister against hard leather.

I’m sorry I let you down, USU. I’ll try again next year, armed with my new pageant knowledge and when my hair’s not two inches long.

But if you see Sherry Baker, tell her happy birthday. And congratulations because she was the first runner up. Then if you see me, congratulate me because I got second runner up. At least I’m saying I did.

They didn’t award a second runner up, probably because that would have meant only two out of the five people competing in the Miss Cache Valley pageant wouldn’t have gotten something.

In my heart I know I am a winner. I am the King. Hail to the King, baby!

Di Lewis is a junior in print and broadcast journalism. She is planning on competing next year, and she really did compete this year for those who doubted.

For tips on how to do a quick change or how to pose in a swimsuit, e-mail her at

dilewis@cc.usu.edu.