COLUMN: Roman conquest the new brand of rush
If history serves as any kind of lesson, the Greeks are in trouble.
No, I don’t mean prohibition is making a comeback. It’s not because the toga went out of style either – because we all know togas will always be in style, at least for the Statue of Liberty.
The Greeks are in danger or being taken over by the Romans.
We’re all familiar with the Greek houses and their strange two and three-letter names that stand as secret codes to let Nicholas Cage know where buried treasure is on the American continent (stay tuned for “National Treasure 3: The Mystery of George Washington’s Wig”). We’ve heard the stories of just how many beer cans an average pledge can crush on their forehead before passing out. We know how crazy rush week can get.
But, this may not last any longer if history has anything to say about it.
You see, while the Greeks hold an important spot in history, the real Greeks were taken over by the Romans. If we don’t remember the mistakes of yesteryear, history is doomed to repeat itself. Well, the Greeks have had their time, and the Romans are moving in.
You see, I have a feeling that sooner or later, people are going to get tired of trying to pronounce those confusing letters and settle for the Latin alphabet, which was brought about by the Romans, thereby forming the Romans.
I can just see it.
Instead of Greek Row, it would be replaced with the “Most Holy Collegiate Roman Empire: USU Chapter… name is a trademark of Roman international, which is a subgroup of Disney, which is a subgroup of the Vatican.” The newly formed Roman Empire would look different than Greek Row too. Instead of simple houses, there would be palaces with towering Roman columns. Modern plumbing would go out the window to make room for aqueducts, the pride and joy of the Emperor. Sidewalks would be replaced by cobblestone streets, replete with mosaics of Roman gods. And instead of being called houses, the edifices would receive the designation of palaces.
The alphabet would be the next thing to go. Instead of Greek letters, the new Roman palaces would display Latin letters, similar to the English language, minus the letters J and U. But don’t worry, since the Romans largely stole their alphabet from the Greeks anyway, things should be all right. Finally, we’ll all be able to read what those signs say, though I still have no clue what ESN means. I think that was an early brainstorming idea for the modern ESPN.
The powerful Greek council would then be replaced by the Roman Senate. These mighty leaders would gather at the Curia, a new building that would have to replace part of the Quad, and discuss matters of importance, like how much alcohol can be consumed on a given weekend, how much poison is acceptable in a pledge’s drink and which neighboring provinces (apartment complexes) the Empire should attack with pledges armed with breastplates made of used aluminum foil and spears of broken broomsticks.
Religion in the ancient Roman Empire was tolerant for the most part, with the exception of the Christians, whom the Empire regarded as a monotheistic threat. So, to follow suit, the collegiate Roman Empire would sic their lions on the Institute building and local churches, sending hundreds screaming and running for their lives.
As for entertainment, what could be more entertaining than trapping unwilling victims in a large building, taunting them and making them fight to escape with their lives. Wow, sure sounds an awful lot like the Spectrum. That being the case, the Spectrum would continue as it has, though the basketball players will be trained in hand-to-hand combat and will battle to the death if a game goes into overtime. Oh, and we expect the Spectrum winning record to stand. Also, the name would have to be changed from the Spectrum to the Colosseum, to make it more Roman-like. And forget cute, dancing girls, halftime entertainment in the new Colosseum will be a nationally recognized event as armed gladiators battle for the athletic director’s approval.
Yes, life would be wonderful under the Roman Empire. Peace and prosperity would reign, and every few years we’d have a new Roman Emperor who would change everything around and try to poison everyone else or stab them in the back to protect his seat.
But then again, without the Greeks, life would be a little depressing. There’d be no more rumors of hazing and the Police Blotter would surely be much emptier. And besides, who doesn’t love the Olympics? Under Roman reign we could kiss those goodbye.
Like I said earlier, history has a way of repeating itself, but only if you don’t learn from past mistakes. So, if a guy named Flamininus – I hear this is one of the popular names for babies this year – ever shows up at Greek council asking to become a pledge, don’t let him in.
Seth Hawkins is a junior majoring in public relations. Questions and comments can be sent to him at seth.h@aggiemail.usu.edu, as long as Roman numerals aren’t in the message. He can’t read past the current Super Bowl count.