COLUMN: Santa Claus is on my naughty list

My Christmas stocking is going to be mighty black and heavy on Dec. 25, because at the rate I’m going, I’m pretty sure a lump of coal will be a generous donation.

You know Santa Claus’ whole naughty and nice list thing? I’ve been, let’s say, drafted from the nice side to the naughty.

No, I didn’t beat up a little girl for her new Britney Spears album or try blackmailing my professors to get the grade I wanted – though I’m still considering it. It’s worse than all that. I’ve discovered the true nature of Santa Claus.

OK, before you start making rash judgments about me and my intelligence, which by now I’m sure you’re convinced is less than a chihuahua’s, it’s not as bad as it sounds. You see, I’ve been performing an ongoing investigation about good Saint Nick for as long as I can remember.

When I was younger, I even considered setting traps for him on Christmas Eve to try and capture him so I could interrogate him. Fortunately for him, the most advanced trap my Cub Scout manual had in it was a Chinese finger trap, and I was pretty sure I couldn’t build one big enough to trap him. Though those finger traps get me every time.

Some 23 years later, I think I’ve finally figured Santa out.

It’s because I’ve figured out this deep dark truth about Santa that I’m destined to end up on the naughty list. Watch out Bad Boy Kringle, ‘cuz I’m about to blow your cover story.

NEWS FLASH: Santa isn’t really an elf.

OK, that was a lie. He is, and an oversized one at that, which I respect. If I were the most famous man in the world and people left me good food just sitting around, you’d better believe I’d be twice the size of Santa. For how long he’s been doing this and how many calories he must consume in one night, he must have an incredible personal trainer.

The real thing I’ve discovered about Jolly Old Saint Nicholas is he should be the world’s No. 1 most wanted. That’s right, you heard me right, most wanted. It creeps me out to put it in writing. I’m waiting any second now for a herd of angry reindeer to charge through my door and stomp me to death for suggesting such a thing.

But, as awful as it sounds, the truth must be known. Santa is a fugitive from the law. Not just U.S. law, but international law. Let me try to explain.

When Santa started his gig, everything was innocent. Depending on which account you look at, and there are armfuls, Santa just wanted to help people out by giving gifts to the poor and needy. But, once you start doing that, the whole if-you-give-a-mouse-a-cookie effect kicks in and everyone wants to be poor, and thus the Great Depression was born.

OK, so what if my facts are a little off? The point is, Santa used to be a good guy and now he’s running amok, breaking laws. It’s not entirely his fault though. When he started his philanthropy, relatively few laws were in place that he could violate. Short of being found a witch or killing someone, he was pretty safe. But nowadays, there are so many laws in all the countries around the world, the man simply has to break some of them to keep doing what he’s famous for. The real culprits here are the new laws.

For a list of violated laws, let’s start with where he lives – the North Pole. Why would anyone willingly live there? There aren’t even penguins there. He lives there with Mrs. Claus because he’s the most welcomed and celebrated fugitive of the law. Nobody wants to brave that kind of cold, so he’s safe.

Next, let’s examine his workshop. Year-round, miniature elves slave away making toys – presumably all with hammers, wooden pegs and paint brushes. This whole iPod craze must have made work a lot harder than throwing together a toy train.

In all the movies I’ve ever seen, these elves always look happy. But those are movies. I wonder how things would be different in a documentary or a reality TV show called “Ho, Ho, No More: The Hard-Knock Life of Santa’s Elves.”

I could imagine it would feature the head elf lounging in Santa’s armchair with a week’s worth of stubble while Santa’s off delivering presents. With bulging, blood-shot eyes, this elf would tell the world what life’s really like: no pay, no food, no cell phones, no sleep – just toys, day in and day out, and nobody is allowed to play with them.

What about Santa’s sleigh? Last time I got my car registered, it was quite the ordeal, and I had to pass safety inspections. Does Santa have to do this? Nope. We give him the benefit of the doubt that his sleigh is in mint condition, even after all these hundreds of years. Although, it is known to the State of California that Santa’s sleigh can cause cancer, along with just about everything else known to man.

Also, has Santa ever registered those reindeer? I doubt it, and I’m pretty sure nobody bugs him about the emissions those things put out. Whew. And what about lighting ordinances when it comes to Rudolph’s nose? Talk about leaving your brights on. It’s a miracle PETA isn’t busting down Father Christmas’ door for the unethical treatment of requiring the reindeer to pull his sleigh all the way around the world.

Once Santa’s airborne, have you ever considered how fast he would have to fly to make it to every house in the world in just one night? According to one source I found, he would have to make 822.6 visits per second, which averages out to him going about 3,000 times the speed of sound. Talk about a sonic boom.

That’s surely against air speed ordinance restrictions. Plus, as he goes around the world, he will enter and exit all sorts of restricted military air space. He must have a cloaking device or something.

And think about how Santa delivers presents. Rumor has it he climbs through the chimney. What if a house doesn’t have a chimney? Yep, that’s right, he’s breaking and entering, and at an incredibly fast rate too.

I’m sure there are a multiplicity of other laws he’s breaking, but I think you get the point. Why doesn’t anyone do anything about this? First off, it’s hard to track down a guy that goes that fast, has cloned himself and plopped his jolly old selves in every mall across the country. And, when it comes right down to it, who wants to arrest a fat guy? Or maybe it’s because he gives presents.

Either way, I’m fine with it but plan on leaving a Monopoly “Get out of Jail Free” card to let him know I’m on to him.

Seth Hawkins is a junior majoring in public relations. If you see him sitting on top of his roof with binoculars and a giant bear trap on Christmas Eve, don’t be alarmed, he’s just trying to talk to the jolly old man. Comments and questions can be sent to him at seth.h@aggiemail.usu.edu.