COLUMN: Since when is dryness a measure of safety?
Over the years of writing this column, I’ve never really gone off on a political rant, but today there are two burning questions on my mind:
1)Where is the war on terror taking us?
2)Why still hasn’t John Ashcroft launched his singing career with a new album?
Ob-viously number two on my list is somewhat of a joke. John Ashcroft doesn’t need a distinguished singing career. He seems to be doing just fine as the Attorney General.
Now on to the war topic.
It’s been almost five years since the catastrophic 9/11 terror attacks. I remember them vividly.
What I don’t remember is how Osama Bin Laden worked in the justification for removing my agency to participate in onboard nail clipping. Thankfully, that nightmare is finally over.
But don’t throw up your hands in ecstatic joy just yet. The ongoing war has generated evolving rules for aviation travel. This is the new era of “anhydrous travel.”
So what does that mean to me the consumer, the traveler, the guy who occasionally just has to get far, far away from Logan, UT?
It means that unless I’m prepared, the burly Transportation Security Agency (TSA) guys will grunt even more loudly than usual, and then proceed to confiscate all my liquid makeup, lotions, and bubble bath soap.
Damn.
Thankfully, I can still travel with gel-filled bras and small amounts of breast milk.
No, to be serious for a moment, I understand that security precautions are needed on liquid items to eliminate… oh, sweet! I just found out from www.tsa.gov that toy Transformer robots are officially allowed in your carry-on bags!
After visiting the Web site, if you’re still confused by the prohibited items list, don’t worry, we don’t expect much out of you anyway. Regardless, here’s a motto to help everyone remember:
“Just say no to toothpaste, but yes to nitroglycerine!”
Have a look, it really is there.
As a fall-out from the latest interrupted threat, all sorts of electronic items have been under consideration to be banned in carry-on baggage. Devices like laptop computers and remote car lock openers could possibly be used as trigger devices for bombs.
If the government passes a law banning those items, they’d have to ban all electrical items from planes. This means no watches, everyone. If James Bond can do it, the terrorists can too.
This also means no IPods, no DVD players, no PSPs, and a plane full of gangly teenagers, feeling very free to move about the cabin like zombies in search their new-age kind of brain-food. Scary.
But if electronic devices could trigger a bomb, then it makes reasonably good sense than any spark could have the same effect. And because air travel is dry enough to promote the rubbing of balloons on your hair and then sticking them out of the kids reach, the TSA will have no choice but to ban balloons – and hair.
Then again, sometimes when the bathroom line is finally short enough, you get up and discharge some static from your pants or sweater. TSA’s answer? No more clothes.
But for the very unfortunate men who happen to have rather hairy behinds, TSA will need to ban butts. Yes, our prized government will institute the very first International Ass Ban. Planes will have to be equipped with rows of gardener kneeling pads.
So my perception foresees that the future of American aviation travel will be something along these lines:
A massive eclectic concentration of bald, naked, assless people with nothing to do, no way to tell time, and no lotion to keep them looking fresh.
Seems like a good war to me.
Well, it could be worse. In-flight music entertainment might be garnished with another pleasing rendition of “Let the Eagles Soar.”
Garrett Wheeler is a second bachelor’s student in technical theatre design. Send any comments or column ideas to wheel@cc.usu.edu.