COLUMN: Sometimes, you just need a purple, hat-wearing dinosaur
Well, they finally turned off those meddlesome sprinklers. Thank goodness I don’t have to worry about those undesirable candid camera moments walking home late at night, when all of a sudden, WHOOOSH followed by “HEY!” and then a moderate gallop to a less-moist location. I was getting a little disturbed when I saw sprinklers still in use even though it’s gotten below freezing virtually every night for the last two months.
I guess after last weekend I’ve now survived some of the “greatest snow on earth.” I think, however, that I’ve come to like the weather here in Logan about as much as I like it when old women, most often aunts, come up to you and give you that ever-so-thoughtful pinch on the cheek. Why do they do that? No one in the history of everything has liked the cheek pinch! Next time it happens to me, I will grab the offender and after giving her a vigorous shake – send her hurling into the backyard.
The first week of November is here again and you know what that means – the onslaught of Christmas-oriented, mail-order catalogs filling your mailbox since July is almost over.
Normally I save all of my catalogs just to find out how much paper is wasted on the solicitation of way too many variations of taupe sweaters and flannel-lined khakis. The record so far was approximately 62,358 cubic centimeters of paper, or for the metrically impaired, enough material to line 56 parrot cages, nine cat boxes, and 17 rabbit hutches. Actually, I’ve never saved any catalogs longer than the brief interim between mailbox extrication and wastepaper basket deposition, and I only have one pet, a fish named Goner. I guess I just get way too much junk mail and like making things up.
Now that I have gotten a few annoyances off my chest, here’s what I meant to write about this week:
I’ve been asked many times in the recent past where I find all the random things I use to put in my column. After much deliberation, I’ve decided not to tell you.
What I will tell you is that I do not spend exorbitant quantities of time surfing the Internet. If I ever indulged in such a practice, I wouldn’t have any time left for my newly discovered favorite hobby, applying temporary tattoos. I started this week with eight: A parrot, a skateboard, a dude on a snowboard, a purple dinosaur with a hat, a snowman, a southwestern scene, and two phrases of “Too Cool Tattoos” backwards. Maybe this weekend I’ll put a butterfly on my butt. Who says tattoos are addicting?
When not focusing on body art, I spend some time inventing, or at least coming up with random things that will never be produced but would be very entertaining. This week’s idea is called the Ultimate Couch Potato’s Power Stick. Such a tool would (with the accompanying bedpan) cause me to never have to get up from TV watching again.
This “stick” is basically a super remote control with the ability to operate the TV, VCR, DVD player and stereo system. In addition, there’s a phone built into the unit, which, of course, has a caller ID screen, and a jack to hook up my computer to the Internet. Once I grab a bag of snacks and sit down to catch up on hours of missed reality television, I would never have to get up (assuming I don’t get swamp butt from sitting so long). I wouldn’t even have to ignore those annoying people who like to call on the phone and meddle with my state of slothful bliss.
Of course, as all good electronics have, there would be upgrades to the system. A button to operate a mind grappling ray gun can be added. When aimed at any unsuspecting human, i.e. Blaine or John, the remote can be used to get things you need while vegetating. Just point, click and say something like, “root beer.” Whoever your victim may be will stop everything and automatically get you a tasty beverage. Perhaps you may be a little tired … “Pillow!” … and as if you had power over the universe, your comfort will soon be maximized.
Sometimes there are folks that have powerful minds, i.e. neither Blaine nor John, and the ray gun just isn’t effective. For these little annoyances, just flip the setting on the remote to “stun,” but only long enough for the victim to weaken and succumb to your will. Then the normal “stop-what-you’re-doing-and-get-me-some-chips-and-a-cold-one” ray gun will suffice. My invention will take the world by storm, but remember, I get a 10 percent cut on every device sold.
Next week’s invention idea is still in progress, but will likely involve a taupe sweater, a butterfly and a butt. Go figure.
Garrett Wheeler hopes to use his new invention for his master’s thesis in engineering, or at least use it to make someone do his thesis for him. Any willing volunteers can sign up at wheel@cc.usu.edu.