COLUMN: Speculations on the State of the University Address
It’s all about hype.
Hype is what can make just about anything exciting. If I told you that the soccer team of Borneo was matching up with the team from Sri Lanka, you might blink for a second before asking if anyone wanted to go cow-tipping. However, if I attached to my announcement a well-put-together hype, you’d quit your job and leave your significant other just to have a chance to watch it.
For those of you still confused about what in the world I mean by “hype,” I’m talking about the stuff the media publicizes to build interest in the event. To give you an example, here’s a hypothetical hype that could be used for a Borneo/Sri Lanka soccer game: “The Borneo team has just come off of a huge win in Tonga and seems to be ready to face the challenge of a fresh opponent. On the other hand, Sri Lanka has a nearly flawless record against islands whose name starts with a “B,” but will that alphabetical glitch be enough for them tonight? We’ll find out as Borneo and Sri Lanka come head to head in this giant of obscure matchups, coming up next!”
I, for one, am a big fan of hype, partly because it gets me excited for things, and also because it makes me feel intelligent afterward when I say, “Oh, it didn’t really live up to all the hype.” Now, as a different example of what hype can do, earlier this week I heard that President Hall was going to give the annual State of the University address Wednesday, which obviously relates with what is currently going on with the university and what is planned for the future.
I’ll admit that I was mildly interested in hearing some of the content of the address after first hearing about it, but I wasn’t about to cancel my weekly BINGO outing in order to attend. This was only moments before becoming aware of Hall’s declaration that, “We are going to have a major announcement at the end of the address,” one that, he says, will be of “real significance.”
Hold the phone. Stop the press. Set down your Slurpee, and put your BINGO chips away. Yep, folks, we’ve got ourselves a hype.
Now, in the spirit of hype, I would like to do my part to contribute. Nothing adds more to hype than random and baseless speculation as to what is going to happen. I modestly volunteer myself for the job.
The trick to random and baseless speculation is to form educated guesses on the subject matter. An educated guess might reason that the announcement will deal with something that will benefit the students and the prestige of the university, such as the construction of a new building, the institution of a new program, or a reorganization of the curriculum. Unfortunately for me, I am not “educated” enough to make educated guesses. In that case, I will make the next best thing: Really awesome guesses.
The following, according to my opinion on what is awesome, are the possible announcements President Hall will be presenting during the State of the University address:
*”After careful research on student comfort we have decided to replace all of the desks in university classrooms with leather recliners.
*”Now that NASA has made contact with Mars, we are planning to open up a new USU Extension service there in the event that alien life is discovered (though out-of-planet tuition fees will be something severe at first).
*”Due to size restrictions, lack of sufficient professors, and, well, plain out annoyance, we have decided to give anyone a diploma if that person plans on being a senior for three or more years, no questions asked, as long as they promise to leave.” (This, of course, would be directed toward me.)
“After careful consideration, and a lot of fragile negotiations, we proudly declare that we are leaving the WAC and subsequently joining the prestigious ranks of the NBA.”
This last one is the announcement I am personally rooting for:
“That does it for the State of the University address, I’m happy to announce that there will be complimentary doughnuts and orange juice in the back as you leave.”
Well, there is all the hype you could ever ask for. If you would like to go and see which one of my really awesome guesses hits right on, then make sure you go to the Eccles Conference Center (big, glass window building) at 4 p.m. Wednesday. If you can’t make that … well, there’s always the Borneo/Sri Lanka game to watch.
Marty Reeder is a senior majoring in history education hoping for a no-questions-asked diploma. Any comments can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu.