COLUMN: Sponsoring away our financial woes
There is no need to be in denial any longer. We are having financial difficulties.
I know this because there hasn’t been a 99-cent Whopper for longer than I care to remember. Some might think it is sad that I measure economic success according to Whopper prices, but I think it is sad that people take dozens of credits worth of economics classes when Burger King tells all for free. Anyway, financial difficulties mean two things: budget cuts and a decline in horse intelligence (how many Mr. Eds have there been since the ’50s?). Unfortunately, I must skip over horse intelligence for now, since I only have space in this article to tackle the ever-impending dilemma of budget cuts.
Budgets cuts can make a grouch out of anyone. Nobody wants their budget cut any more than they want their bu … dget cut. So, with all of these influencing factors, who is going to make the difficult decision of what gets cut and how much? I have a modest suggestion: Allow me to do it.
Many of you are thinking I have finally breached my egotistical bounds. Once again you have managed to underestimate my limitless conceit. But, since someone has to do it, why not me? Let me give you a quick example of one of my impeccable ideas and reasoning for a budget cut.
Cut the budget of The Statesman. I have noticed that the quality has declined as of late, especially in the form of the columnists who are shameless idiots that are an insult to university education and do nothing but waste paper.
Wait a second. On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t be in charge of budget cuts. In that case, I have a backup plan. Instead of going through the painful process of finding someone to deal out budget cuts, and then have the unenviable duty of actually cutting them, let us not have any cuts at all.
A couple of friends tried to explain to me how this plan would set the university budget in a state of unbalance, but I did not understand that very well. Then they tried to detail how it would throw the university funds into an unhealthy deficit. I did not grasp that concept so well either. Finally, they told me that would be like Burger King running out of Whoppers and selling them anyway by filling the wrapper with mayonnaise. I said that was no good, and they told me that I finally understood.
So, if we are to not make anymore budget cuts, apparently we are going to need more money than we currently have. If that is the case, then I believe we have left a money-making option untouched for too long. What, all-encompassing option is this? No, I am not talking about turning the Quad into an amusement park (that is another article for another time). The magical word in this case is sponsorship.
Yes, you can argue that the university already participates on a small level with sponsorship, but what I am referring to is a large scale marketing campaign.
I really doubt that most of you have grasped the potential there is in huge sponsoring deals, so I will give you some examples, just so you can get a taste of what I have in mind. Instead of having the Taggart Student Center, we can have the Doritos Student Center (in the spirit of College Bowl games). The USU Web site could be overflowing with popup windows of ebay and classmates.com advertisements. The “A” bell tower can be changed into a Disney logo and turn blue every time the hokey Disney sequels come out straight to video. After the end of his or her class, your professor could state, “This lecture has been brought to you by Nike – Just Do It.” As students we could even save money we might have spent otherwise on textbooks. For example: “Subway Sandwiches presents Astronomical Physics Formulas: The Jared Fogle Preferred Edition.”
I think it is now easy to see that the financial possibilities are endless. There is clearly no impending pressure to pay any more heed to those soothsayer students calling for more budget cuts. Of course, by having the university sell out to sponsorships, there may be those of you out there who think we are, in fact, selling our souls. That is ridiculous. I can, with all confidence, declare that giving in to sponsorships will have absolutely no effect of the integrity of individual students like you and me. Thank you.
By the way, this column has been brought to you by Verizon Wireless … “Can you hear me now?”
Marty Reeder is a senior majoring in history education. Any comments or shameless sponsor proposals can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu.