COLUMN: Spring getaway plans
As Spring Break approaches, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to offer you any more advice that I haven’t already given in years past. Well, my fears proved very well founded. I guess that is all for my column today.
OK, I’m kidding, although I don’t appreciate how excited some of you seemed to be at the prospect of such a short column. Of course I have some added insights to express concerning Spring Break, but before we get to the heart of it, let me set down some basic, but important guidelines first.
To be in the right attitude during Spring Break, first of all you cannot do any work whatsoever. Some might say that there is nothing you can do about that; your employer simply won’t give you a week off. That, of course, is ridiculous. Your employer may not give you work off, but that doesn’t mean there is nothing you can do about it. My suggestion: Just leave. Chances are your employer won’t even notice you are gone (“My, so-and-so sure has been working quietly this past week … maybe I should give him or her a raise …”). The other possibility is that your employer will notice (“Hmmm, it seems our entire store has been robbed during so-and-so’s shift …”), and you will be fired.
I have a plan for this as well. With so many students getting fired, there are bound to be a lot of new job openings. Just e-mail me where you got fired from, and I will switch information with you and another unfortunate, laid off student (I’ve dubbed it the Employment Exchange Program). Everyone keeps a job. Of course this only works if an even amount of you are fired, so if there does happen to be an odd number, then I have been looking for a good assistant EEP organizer. Though I can’t offer a “salary” or “pay” as they say in the business world, I can provide an opportunity to be around me … along with free Silly Putty sculpturing lessons (you provide your own putty).
The second requirement of Spring Break is to absolutely, positively stay away from doing homework. In fact, any usage of such a word during the break should be synonymous with cussing. On that same note, you should also completely forget about all the mid-term exams you failed (it wasn’t your fault anyway, it was el Nio). And lastly, you must document your entire trip (unless legal reasons prevent otherwise). Once you get back, I would like to receive your best Spring Break stories, and I’ll present the winner in one of my columns after the break. To be eligible for the contest your Spring Break needs to consist of more than just eating at Village Inn for three meals a day.
Excellent. With these guidelines set, we are ready to go. So what is my suggestion regarding Spring Break? It can be easily summed up with a simple noun and a pluperfect participle. Or, wait, I mean a conjugation and a non-transitive verb. Wait … adjective and gerund? Anyway, it can be summed up in two words: Bull Fighting.
I do not doubt if there are some of you animal lovers out there who are crying fowl right now … get it? Fowl?! Ho boy, tough crowd. Anyway, there is no need for anyone to be distressed, unless you happen to be a human lover, because I am referring to a type of bull fighting I saw while doing Study Abroad in Costa Rica, where the bull does not get injured. Wait a second. You are saying to yourself, if that’s the case, then how is it possible for the bull to lose the fight? The simple answer: It’s not possible. That’s the great thing. Sure, there are a couple of draws where the bull fighter actually gets out unscathed, but the real fun is when the bull gets his prey.
Considering these basic ground rules, the type of “bull fight” I attended would have been a civil suit lawyer’s dream, since not only bullfighters participated but anyone from the audience who wanted to could as well. This led to the first casualty of the night when a huge bull had an unsuccessful run at a bullfighter and the cowboys came out, roped it up, and were waiting to take it out of the ring. Well, some brilliant woman hopped out of the stands, climbed into the ring, and approached the bull with a camera in hand. I guess she thought that if two cowboys were holding on to the bull, there was no way it could move the less than 10 feet to where she stood. The bull was staring her down with a look of death, the cowboys and audience were screaming out warnings, but the lady ignored them all and brought up her camera at any rate. Traveling to the bull fighting town: 1,000 colones. Entering the bull fight: 600 colones. A picture of a demon-crazed bull charging after you from less than 10 feet away: priceless.
As soon as the camera flashed, the race was on. The cowboys could do nothing to hold back as the bull surged forward. The woman, somehow surprised that the bull was coming after her, dropped the camera and ran for her life. Sadly, there was more of a chance of me graduating sometime this decade than the woman had of outrunning that bull. After a couple feet, the bull cradled her in his horns and tossed her in the air. The woman did a couple flips and twirls worthy of a Matrix movie before landing on the ground. Miraculously she came out with just bumps and bruises. Two similar casualties later, the triumphant bulls proudly left the ring feeling pretty good with themselves. And the crowd, with three exceptions, left highly entertained.
Now, if you find yourself unable to afford a trip to Costa Rica, Mexico or Spain in order to attend a bull fight for Spring Break, then you never should have quit your job … what were you thinking? No matter, I see no reason why Cache Valley shouldn’t soon pick up on the event (I mean, USU’s mascot is a bull, right?). The best part of the whole thing is if the bull fighting works out here, then we should have enough support to take it to the next level and start what I feel is the epitome of man vs. beast entertainment: hamster wrestling.
Marty Reeder is a senior majoring in history education. Spring Break story entries (no homework cussing, please) should be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu.