COLUMN: Superheros — the pollution solution
Sometimes people may ask me why I do this – why I spend my time trying to find solutions to everyone’s problems. Usually when I get asked this question, it comes anonymously and with a threat to stop or else. But I certainly don’t do it for the acclaim I receive from my fans. In fact, it always ends up about me, whatever I can get out of it.
I also find that the same people who ask me those questions accuse me of avoiding the bigger issues and touchy subjects. Apparently, those people have not been reading my latest articles – which include such subjects as Swedish fish, left-handers, ninjas and foosball – among other such hot topics.
But I realized that not offering my expertise on some of the world’s biggest problems was being selfish. So I figure as long as I get something out of it, I can afford to occasionally focus on some of the world’s bigger issues. After long and careful consideration and deliberation on which subject needed the most focus, one of the problems that came to mind was pollution. Of course, the real reason I chose to write on pollution is because it rhymes with solution, thus making the perfect opportunity for a catchy title.
Now, in order to tackle this problem of pollution, we must realize where the source of the problem is. Using careful research techniques and a very demented form of triangulation, I have discovered the source of nearly all of the world’s pollution is about three-and-one-half miles to the northeast of Bermuda. So all we need to do is throw a couple thousand sticks of dynamite into that general area, and our problem should be solved (cartoons have wisely taught me that dynamite will fix almost anything).
Of course, I know what you’re thinking – if it were that easy, why haven’t we done it before? Well, let me remind you that nobody thought it was going to be easy to colonize the planet Jupiter, but we sure proved them wrong. Or at least we will, when we figure out how to do it.
However, I’m willing to concede that maybe, just maybe the dynamite idea won’t work. Or even supposing that my triangulation formula was somehow screwed up (a long shot in and of itself), it is still very possible to address pollution in a relatively simple way.
A lot of people would suggest putting restrictions on machines they say cause pollution. If we did that, however, I’m afraid there would be innocent victims categorized as pollution-makers. I can just see the inspector now, claiming my diesel-guzzling, oil-leaking, Styrofoam-melting, nuclear waste-dripping car is somehow, in some way, polluting our planet. For this reason, I don’t think it is necessary to put restrictions on man-made machines. That would do nothing but punish the species on this planet least responsible for pollution – we humans. (Take for instance, armadillos. They look innocent enough from the start, but their uninhibited tri-chloroethylene output is shameful.)
I would like to provide a more realistic approach to stopping pollution.
We need a superhero team.
I’m sure you agree sheer logic screams for such a solution. Superheroes in our country and world are a continually untapped resource. In fact, the unemployment rate of superheroes has soared in the past decade. And while the bigwigs like Spider-man, Superman, Batman and Margaret Thatcher are doing fine, there is a large portion of middle-class superheroes in a crisis. Combining our unemployed-superhero problem with the pollution problem is so practical that I might even consider running for office after it is successfully implemented.
In the spirit of things, I have already assembled a list of obvious candidates for our pollution fighting superhero team, beginning with Heavy Smoker Man. This superhero may seem like any normal person with an extremely ear-splitting, hacking cough. But his ability to breath in bad air and incorporate it into his body is unprecedented.
Really Slick Hair Man would also be a strong asset to our pollution solution. While he does have his vanity problems (what superhero doesn’t?), Really Slick Hair Man uses so much oil for his hair, the Exxon-Valdez spill would have barely been enough for a day’s worth of his hair styling.
Of course, we also need Wolverine on our team. As far as pollution goes, I don’t know what Wolverine could really do, but it sure would be cool to see him on promotional posters and stuff.
And don’t forget Ticked Off Woman. Basically, she’s a lady that gets really mad at anyone who pollutes.
With a superhero team like this, we simply can’t lose. Of course after they’ve solved our pollution problem, they’ll probably come running to us asking for some kind of payment. When that happens, we’ll bring in our trump superhero, Really Good At Conning Superheroes Man. That should do the trick.