COLUMN: Supporting a ban on cell phones
I recently read a letter to the editor calling for a ban on cell phones in classrooms. This was monumental to me for a couple of reasons.
One, I don’t know how to read (which makes writing, as you can guess, vary difikult). Two, I rarely read The Statesman, unless, as my ego provides, it happens to be running my column. Three, cell phones … actually, there is no three because I literally only meant a couple.
I must agree – it’s time to crack down on cell phone usage. Although small and seemingly harmless, cell phones can inflict a great amount of damage on the normal, run-of-the-mill student and his classroom environment. While it is important to stop cell phones in class, we most certainly should not overlook our greatest challenge: Cell Phones of Mass Destruction (any phone that rings to the tune of “Oh Suzanna,” or the Barney theme song).
For myself, I can’t honestly say that I’m entirely against cell phones in class. Sure, they can be a huge distraction from our class lectures. But in most of my classes, that would be a very welcome distraction. One of my favorites came when my professor actually answered his own cell phone during his lecture, saying, “Hello? … Oh, hi, mom … No, this is not a good time. I’m teaching a class … I don’t care, just put it in my room … You what? … Well, what were you doing in my underwear drawer in the first place?!”
I will admit that was a only time I’ve had a professor stop in the middle of his lecture to answer his own cell phone, so I suppose it’s only fair they ask students not to have them.
The letter to the editor suggests grade deductions to enforce and implement this ban. For me, that will have no effect (34 percent minus 5 percent is still an F). So I would suggest a more practical method of enforcement.
I think that we should have armed guards and X-ray machines at the entrances to each classroom. Every person and his bag will be searched, and anyone found with a cell phone or any type of Sponge Bob apparel will be taken to The Hub and tied up so students can throw Taco Time burritos and Pizza Hut breadsticks at them. This is a harsh punishment, I know. But The Hub is in dire need of some dining entertainment anyway, so it’s a win-win situation.
Now, there are a few exceptions to this cell phone ban, like medical reasons. I am going to list some other exceptions here. Pay close attention, in case you find that you fit within any of these parameters.
You should be allowed to carry your cell phone with you in class if:
* You are addicted to that little snake game it has on it.
* You are ordering pizza for the entire class.
* Your friend is taking the same class over your phone.
* You are taking a test and you need to use your cell phone as one of your “lifelines.”
* You have a James Bond complex, and if you don’t have a cell phone (particularly one that blows up, cuts glass or shoots rockets), you are afraid for your personal safety.
* You need to avoid talking to an unwanted neighbor in your class by pretending you’re on your cell phone for the entire time.
* Your probation officer requires that you have your cell phone with you at all times.
* Your friend calls you with sports updates every twenty minutes.
* You need to try and use up your extra minutes before the month is over.
That covers most exceptions for cell phone usage in a classroom, but there are very likely some more that I have missed. As for enforcement, if the breadstick-and-burrito ploy doesn’t work, I wouldn’t be surprised if the person’s own embarrassment would do the trick.
How can you tell if a person has been sufficiently embarrassed by a cell phone call? If he answers it and says, “Hi … what, oh, nothing, just in class and stuff … Yeah, totally, let’s go do something, I’m way bored.” He stops, looks around and says, “Hey, I’m talking here, a little privacy please?!” You can safely assume that he was not even remotely embarrassed and perhaps was somewhat proud of his cell phone call.
Now, before I stray too much from the subject, let me reiterate that I absolutely cannot allow students to be in class with their cell phones on! It must be stopped! It must be … Hang on … Sorry, you’ll have to excuse me.
I’ve got a call.
Marty Reeder in a senior majoring in English Education. Any comments can be directed to him during class with his cell phone number. Otherwise contact him at martr@cc.usu.edu.