COLUMN: Tab — one of life’s many little wonders
Every once in awhile we find out information that changes our life – the Pythagorean theorem, the exchange rate for Canadian currency, and of course, the drop date for any given semester. These are all such enlightening moments that when we find out about them, new worlds are opened to our view. I remember the moment I found out the truth about Santa Claus – I was astonished, shocked, and speechless. You can bet I was quick to send him an apologetic letter for not believing in him.
Yet, just when it seems I’ve learned all there is to learn – I mean, just when I’ve found out how to play that blasted minesweeper game on the computer, just when I find out the city has a trash collection day for my neighborhood, just when I’ve found out Nevada is no longer a territory, just when I think I’ve discovered all there is to know – some new piece of information opens a whole new door for me I didn’t know existed.
Before you jump the gun and assume this new world I’m talking about is the world of free samples at grocery stores, let me assure the free-sample world has long since been a part of my college life and has been credited with at least 70 percent of my daily meals. No, my newest discovery came as I met some of my cousin’s friends the other day. Just looking at them, you might seem to think they were your normal, everyday college students. I soon came to find out they were anything but.
The conversation started out innocently enough (probably something about monkeys and Styrofoam), but then we stumbled upon a subject I never thought possible to spend 20 seconds on, let alone the next half an hour we took discussing it. What subject could be so intriguing, you might ask? Communism, electric staplers, two-toed sloths? No. While all those things are worthy subjects, we talked about something entirely different; we talked about Tab. That’s right, Tab.
If you’re like me, then you probably thought Tab has long since been extinct. If you’re like any kid still in high school, then you probably thought Tab was simply a key on the keyboard. If you’re like any person who happens to mix up words, you probably think Tab is just a blend of Taxi and Cab. For those confused about what Tab is, then just picture in your mind a dark, pink soda pop can. That’s right, I’m talking about Tab, the soft drink – the carbonated cola that originated sometime this century, lived its glory days in the ’70s and ’80s, and then, quite abruptly, disappeared.
I am here to tell you that somehow Tab survived the ’90s. How is that possible? I’m not sure. I have a couple theories involving Honduran guerillas, a time capsule in space, and the Austin Powers movies, but the important thing is that Tab is still among us. The reason I know this is because, in my conversation with my cousin’s friends, they spent the next half hour giving me more facts and random bits of information on the complicated Tab history than the Americans had on the Russians during the Cold War.
It was not long before I was mesmerized by the ensuing conversation (which consisted of a wide array of topics ranging from the best year for Tab, to the vintage Tab cans with warning labels about cancer, to Tab’s ability to corrode rust off of a car). And, therefore, it was not long before I knew that for all of my life I had been ignorant to this lifestyle, this social condition, this culture which consists of those innumerable faithful lovers of Tab.
Well, I don’t choose to be ignorant of it anymore. I also encourage any and all of you who were unaware of this underground Tab culture to become educated about it. This is a rage that is going on all around us, and if we choose to ignore it, it will soon overwhelm us. There may be some of you who have been drinking Tab in secret for most of your life, and I hope that you will now be unashamed of vocalizing your Tab-drinking habits. If you are one of those secretive Tab drinkers, or you feel you would be interested in learning more about Tab, then contact your local Tab Chapter, or do as I did, and have an eye-opening conversation with Derek, Josh, and Parker, who will be very willing and able to involve you in the nearest Tab social event, which just might be their famous Tab-cooking-recipe contest.
Now, I will fully admit there may be some of you out there who might dislike Tab. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ostracize those who do. I don’t agree with anyone who knowingly does homework, but I find I’m fighting an uphill battle, so I must be tolerant. The same can be said for all of you Tab-haters out there.
The other sad, untold tale, however, are those people who find themselves in the bottomless pit of being an uncontrollable Tab-a-holic. In association with those in the Tab culture, I would recommend that anyone with this problem join one of the many Tab Anonymous groups found in the valley, or, if not that, you can always counter your Tab urges by joining the other club my sister and her friend intend to start: the Fresca Club.
Marty Reeder is a senior majoring in English education. Comments can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu.