COLUMN: ‘Teen Movie’ nothing more than garbage
Not Another Teen Movie is the latest flick in the ever-growing genre of film I like to call poop, porn and pedophilia. Yes, in the template of the Scary Movie series and the American Pie films, this lowbrow version of comedy attempts to spoof and parody the John Hughes teenybopper movies of yesteryear, and the current MTV blizzard of Freddie Prinze, Jr. teen romance cinema, most of which is enjoyed by many freshmen on this very campus. The trouble is, American Pie was unique, and so was, to a certain extent, Scary Movie, but Not Another Teen Movie feels old and expired.
It’s impossible to list every film that Not Another Teen Movie satirizes, but its working title, before it was scheduled for release, was Ten Things I Hate About Clueless Road Trips When I Can’t Hardly Wait To Be Kissed. You do the math. I’ll try to explain the shards of plot I uncovered.
The movie revolves around two main characters: Jake Wyler (Chris Evans), the “popular jock” blessed with a Ferrari and throngs of female classmates who routinely toss panties and bras in his face, and his direct opposite in gender and class, Janey Briggs. Janey is “the pretty ugly girl.” She likes art, hangs with the geeks at lunch and has a special fondness for Freddie Prinze, Jr. movies. And I mean fondness in the utmost, hardcore pornographic sense. Orbiting these two characters are “the token black guy,” Malik (Deon Richmond), Priscilla (Jamie Pressley) “snotty cheerleader,” Catherine Wyler (Mia Kirshner) “the cruelest girl,” and Austin (Eric Christian Olsen) “the cocky blonde guy.”
Malik’s few strands of dialogue consist of “damn,” “that is whacked” and “bling, bling.” Priscilla earns points for taking a hopeful cheerleader with Tourette’s Syndrome into her clique of pom-pom wavers, which, I might add, is one of the movie’s bright spots. And Catherine Wyler, Jake’s sister, in addition to French kissing a senior citizen, and wanting to seduce her brother, really, really digs fecalphelia. Again, poop jokes, especially abnormal psychology-related ones, are only funny once.
After that, well, it just isn’t humorous. In fact, it’s rather crass.
Jake makes a bet with his friends – ala She’s All That – and vows to make a nerdette into a prom queen, hence the entrance of the aforementioned “pretty ugly girl,” Janey. Of course, like other teen movies, after Janey and Jake begin to truly fall in love, Janey’s feelings are hurt and at the last minute Jake realizes he is a moron and races to the airport to stop her from going to Paris. How that all fits in with pedophilia, feces and “bling, bling,” I’m still trying to fathom.
With that said, there were bright spots. The Breakfast Club parody was extremely funny, but if you want to see that scene, just go to Apple’s Web site (www.apple.com) and watch the trailer. You’ll save $6, not have to endure caca jokes, and save your IQ from dropping into nothingness.
Grade: D