COLUMN: The best and the worst movies you’ve never seen
This is Logan, Utah, so let’s be honest: Where are you on a Friday or Saturday night? Out club hopping, seeing a concert in the park or attending the theater? I doubt it. You, like the rest of us, are wallowing in the aisles of Hastings, Blockbuster, Hollywood Video and The Book Table, struggling to find a video or DVD selection that will (a) please your posse of friends, (b) make your date happy, (c) make your family happy, (d) won’t cause you to drool incessantly or (e) all of the above. If you picked one or all of the aforementioned choices, this list is for you.
THE BEST
The Tao of Steve (R)
You can’t beat a movie where the storyline revolves around a chubby, Thomas Aquinas-spouting, all-the-time-bathrobe-wearing, kindergarten teacher who creates a Tao based on the Steves (Steve McQueen, Steve Austin, Steve McGarrett), which, in short, is everything cool, smooth and brave a man can possibly develop into. Awesome dialogue, great acting and a cool premise make this film one to rent repeatedly.
Animal Factory (R)
Steve Buscemi’s third spin in the director’s chair proves to be his best effort to date – his other two were Tree’s Lounge and What Happened To Pete. The plot revolves around prison life, with Edward Furlong becoming the protégé of Willem Dafoe. Strong acting from Furlong, Dafoe, Mickey Rourke and Tom Arnold. Yes, I said Tom Arnold. If you find this in a video store in Logan, kudos to you.
Spring Forward (R)
My favorite movie of the 2000 Sundance Film Festival is simple, down-to-earth and superbly acted, with Ned Beatty and Live Schreiber portraying city workers, one old, the other young, who develop a strong, meaningful and candid friendship we see over the course of a year – hence the title, Spring Forward. Probably the only way to catch this flick is by watching it on the Independent Film Channel.
Pi (R)
Shot for under $50,000 and in grainy, high-definition black and white, this debut from director Darren Aronofsky (Requiem for a Dream) is intelligent and explicitly tense. The story concerns a brilliant mathematician, a discovery of epic proportions and the groups, namely Wall Street baddies and Hasidic zealots, who want to nab the mathematician’s brainpower and findings, hoping to make millions of dollars.
Memento (R)
This is readily available at video stores and one of the best flicks at the 2001 Sundance Film Festival. I won’t spoil the plot and because of its complexity, I probably can’t even begin to reveal all that happens in Memento. But know this: Memento will boggle your mind. It is hands down the most creative film to enter Hollywood in a long, long time.
THE WORST
Dancer in the Dark (R)
I know, I know, it has Bjork and it’s so artsy-fartsy, so shouldn’t we all love this flick? No. Bjork’s music bites and her acting follows suit. I don’t care if every film critic in America had this “musical” on his or her top-10 best movies list. It is boring. End of story.
Two Girls and a Guy (R)
Robert Downey Jr. made this flick at some indistinguishable “on the wagon” juncture in his life. Downey Jr. is the lead actor and romantic interest of Heather Graham (Boogie Nights) and Natasha Gregson Wagner (High Fidelity). Trouble is, Robert the Stud is sleeping with both of them and pretending to be single and wholly interested in each girl. This movie made something like $16.75 at the box office.
The Limey (R)
Watching this film should help us appreciate Steven Soderbergh (Traffic, Erin Brockovich), but it doesn’t. The movie drags, shifts point-of-view at frequent and random intervals and I simply got tired of listening to Terrance Stamp do his General Zod voice from Superman II. Maybe that’s how he talks all of the time. I don’t know. Either way, Peter Fonda’s gums (they are huge) were annoying, too – in case you wanted to know. It looks good and has an independent film aura, but good paint doesn’t always mean the painting is worth a long, inquisitive stare.
Jaws 4: The Revenge (PG-13)
This is nothing more than a sad, fruitless attempt at keeping a blockbuster around for years and years. If you need a modern example, see the Jurassic Park series. One was enough. The same holds true with Jaws – they should have killed any notion of a sequel when Roy Scheider wasted the first shark. Michael Caine should issue a public apology for acting in this wretched film.
B.A.P.S. (PG-13)
This is one of those films where the notable stars in the flick wish for a great fire to consume every copy of the movie. It stars Halle Berry (Swordfish) and Martin Landau (Ed Wood). If you rent this, you should be deported to some uninhabited island and be forced to watch the Chris Elliott movie anthology for the rest of your days. Either that or spend your days on the deserted island with David Arquette and Carrot Top.