COLUMN: The best way to deal with you roommate’s boyfriend: Steal him
Dear Lindsay,
I have a roommate whose boyfriend is over at our apartment entirely too often. How do I get them to go elsewhere?
Love, Loveless Loner
Dear Loveless Loner,
You have communicated your problem to me through much more than what you just stated. I am looking past this vague question into a much more deep-rooted issue that has less to do with your roommate and more to do with you.
Always remember the age-old philosophy of many great philosophizers: Each time you point a finger of blame at someone else, you have three more pointed back at you. Seriously. Check it out.
The real issue here is made extremely apparent to me through the anonymous name you have chosen for yourself – at least, I’m hoping it is anonymous. We have more serious problems to solve if other people know you by this alias.
Hmmm … Loveless Loner. After carefully diagramming and analyzing your word choice here, it looks like someone is feeling without love and alone. And that someone may be you.
Plan of Attack A: Today, simply find a boyfriend for yourself and this “problem” you have with your roommate will instantly disappear. Then, bring him to your apartment, spend every possible minute with him and rub it in your roommate’s face.
Plan of Attack B: If you can’t beat ’em, steal her boyfriend. Clearly, this roommate of yours is deliberately hurting you, so why not play the game? By seducing her boyfriend away, you are only giving her a taste of her own medicine … and it is bitter.
The seduction process is simple. First, spend obnoxious amounts of time with the once-happy couple, but spend that time talking about all of your good qualities while looking amazing. Second, spend any remaining time emphasizing your roommate’s faults and flaws. Personality, intellect, appearance, whatever. She has acne, mispronounces a word, didn’t shower that day: All fair game.
Third, spread vicious rumors about her to her boyfriend. The most applicable rumors will include fabricated information about you roommate’s newly developed dislike for her boyfriend and especially her comments on what a cute couple you and her boyfriend would make.
If you are concerned about furthering your relationship with this roommate, or if she will be your roommate in the future, I’d steer more toward Plan of Attack A. If her boyfriend is attractive, Plan of Attack B is the one for you.
In case neither applies, Plan of Attack C is a completely different, yet surefire, alternative. It sounds like the couple must be spending too much time in public areas, like the living room or kitchen, so I’m guessing neither of them has a private bedroom as an option.
If you happen to room alone, as your name implies, consider sacrificing your personal living accommodations for some relief from them. By allowing the couple to spend their alone time in your room, you and the rest of your roommates can enjoy your apartment in peace.
Lindsay Kite is a junior majoring in print journalism. With similar or extremely unrelated inquiries, please feel free to contact lindsaykite@cc.usu.edu.