COLUMN: The dark side of Aggie traditions
We always hear about the “fun” Aggie traditions that take place throughout the year, but what about the negative, underlying effects of some of those activities? I dare put forth the argument that such prestigious titles as “True Aggie” and “True Blue Aggie” are serving large roles in advancing the spread of sickness and disease on the campus of USU. Coughing, sneezing, sniffing, watery eyes; all blatant, unquestionable consequences of these traditions.
True Aggie Night is a potential germ-breeding ground and could even be a form of germ warfare, considering the extreme numbers of people who participate each full moon. Just think: If a rival school planted even a few attractive, but sickness-infected students by the A on a full moon, an obscene number of Aggies could be wiped out of any activity during the week.
If, by chance, a gutsy, sickness-ridden BYU-goer did ever decide to forgo the curfew and take the risqué trip to True Aggie Night, the damage could be incomprehensible. Perhaps I just made the common mistake of putting the idea in the enemy’s head, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take for the sake of informing my fellow Aggies of potential health risks.
Is kissing someone with an unknown medical record, at midnight – regardless of the weather – not blatantly asking for watery eyes and a runny nose? I think so. What about riding an outdoor, freezing, metal bull while wearing no clothes in the middle of the night? Besides the title of “Ultimate Aggie,” you may also be rewarded with a wide array of diseases that the many brave people before you could have left behind. A cold may be the least of your worries. My sympathies turn from you daring bull-riders to the innocent, unknowing film-developer who has to share the proof with you. In cases like this, go digital or go home.
Seeing as how one major tradition at USU is based on the phases of the moon, I decided that I should incorporate more aspects of astrology into our school with my own personal horoscopes. Not just horoscopes, but eerily accurate horoscopes for the next full moon, Nov. 8. Feel free to cut this article out and keep it in a safe spot for future True Aggie Night reference.
Capricorn: Brushing your teeth on the eighth may help remove plaque, fight cavities and help you to not repel possible True Aggie prospects.
Aquarius: Caution: When Venus crosses over into your sign this month, the planets will align, causing absolutely nothing unusual to occur.
Pisces: Be aware that kissing a stranger dressed in a blue sweatshirt with a cougar on it may result in unwelcomed health-related
consequences.
Aries: Carrying around a picture of a train while saying “I choo-choo-choose you” to random people by the A is a guarantee for a productive night.
Taurus: Being born in the sign of the bull, you have the obligation of informing all those you come in contact with that not only is this USU’s mascot, but that your sign is also the bull. If, after sharing this, you are mocked, be sure to include the phrase “Yeah, and if you mess with the bull, you get the horns.”
Gemini: Whenever anyone of the opposite gender looks in your general direction or attempts to talk to you, frantically turn and look the other way; they only want to inflict harm upon you.
Cancer: To ensure peak physical condition for True Aggie-hood, avoid all foods and medications that may cause you to experience seizures or spasms of any kind.
Leo: If, while walking past the bull statue in the middle of the night, a stranger asks you to take a picture for him, decline the invitation. Though tempting, the scenario is rarely positive.
Virgo: The fourth person of the opposite gender you see on the eighth is someone you are strongly advised to kiss on the A at midnight. You can thank me later.
Libra: Dumping your boyfriend or girlfriend for unspecified, irrational reasons and expecting them to kiss you on True Aggie night may have negative repercussions.
Scorpio: Even if you thoroughly enjoy kissing someone you meet at the A, restrain yourself from discussing wedding invitation formats until you’ve known the person for at least five days.
Sagittarius: If someone rejects you at the A, stay calm; otherwise, scrunched-up crying face may result.
My recommendation is for each of you to heed these warnings and take them into consideration for the safety and health of all involved in carrying on our beloved traditions. In attempting to deter disease-carrying school rivals, I have one suggestion for alternative methods of becoming a “true” something. As the prestigious medical professional that I’m not, I agree with the health-conscious idea put forth by a Mr. USU contender of BYU-goers becoming “True Cougars” by shaking hands at 9:30. With proper protection from the weather, some good hand sanitizer and a full night’s rest, I see no problem with this theory.
Lindsay Kite is a freshman majoring in print journalism. With questions, comments, or if you are the one who gave me this cold, contact lindsaykite@cc.usu.edu.