COLUMN: The end is near
The lesson we should have all learned from the past year of war coverage build-up and actual war coverage and war coverage spin and the coming war coverage post-game show is that if and when the world does come to an end, none of us will know it. Given the amount of spin control and marketing strategies going on right now, I can’t truly be certain that the world hasn’t already ended.
The last words out of the Channel Z News Action team as it gets swallowed up by the dark crevasses of the exploding planet will likely be, “We’re forecasting a slight global downsizing. Tune in tomorrow for a complete report.”
And of course Larry King will have some sort of exclusive. I mean what is with CNN and Larry King? Every show is listed as “only on Larry King.” I guess in some metaphysical sense that is true. A person probably can only be in one place at a time. Gwyneth Paltrow’s views on the war – thankfully are exclusive to that hour of programming.
Don’t rely on the media to predict the “big one.” The media only hit the two-day weather forecasts right about 40 percent of the time. Look around, and decide for yourself. As for me, the only things I’m really certain of are that the National Geographic coming out with a swimsuit issue and the term “middle management” are the clearest signs of the end times I’ve seen since “Bridges of Madison County” and “The Celestine Prophecy” both appeared on the best-sellers list.
And, you may have heard that National Geographic is also coming out with a reality TV show. I’m not making this up. The end times signs couldn’t be any clearer if you got an e-mail from Satan himself. It may just be the paranoia talking, but I’m betting the Dark One has an AOL account.
Speaking of paranoia, I think that all those old people you see in those large wraparound sunglasses are really alien invaders. They wear these glasses to hide their huge, bulging eyes. I think “Nightline’s” Sam Donaldson is an alien. I think that lava lamps are in reality incubators for alien embryos. I think the old people who drive huge, mobile homes all over the country are really carrying around nuclear missiles in a super-secret government mobile strike force.
I think dogs are always eager to take walks and go on car rides because they have a sixth sense that cable TV is pumping deadly radiation into our homes. I’m almost certain that all those kids who wear those huge, baggy pants do so to conceal hidden surveillance cameras. I think that everyone who actually bought the Thriller album is going to answer to a higher power. I think Barney really is Bigfoot. I believe anyone who isn’t paranoid really hasn’t really looked at the world closely.
Dennis Hinkamp’s column appears every Friday in The Statesman. Comments may be sent to slightlyoffcenter@attbi.com.