Column: The Geek Beat

OK, for the last time, I really am married. My wife is a real person, I didn’t make her up and her parents didn’t owe me money. Now stop asking me.

A lot of people have also asked me about changes since I’ve gotten married. To be honest, I don’t rightly know.

You know how 45 minutes after you graduate high school, the whole experience seems like a trippy dream? Getting married is a lot like that, only it takes just a half hour.

I’m not sure of the reason behind this. All I know is that before I got married, I was a fully capable person.

Now I’ve forgotten how to work the washing machine, I honestly can’t remember where the grocery store is and I’m pretty sure that if I was left to my own devices, I would eat frosting straight from the can as a meal.

You think I’m kidding? My wife went down to Salt Lake City for work. She was gone from my life for a max of eight hours. By the time she got back, the toilet was backed up and I was in the kitchen beating the toaster with a makeshift club as flames erupted out of it.

I shutter to think what will happen when she leaves me for three days over Christmas break. I probably won’t put pants on the whole time and may revert to using stone tools.

Ladies, please, don’t get mad at me (I’m sure my wife is by this point and I can’t deal with that many angry females). I didn’t mean for this to happen. It just did. Overnight.

Things do change when you get married. Before my wedding, I don’t remember wandering around my apartment trying to avoid chores, but that’s how I spend most of my time at home now.

I’m aware that this makes me a horrible person, and I also know that scratching myself in public makes me a disgusting person, but in both cases, I just don’t care.

I don’t know why I’m so paranoid that my wife will ask me to help out around the house. I know how to clean; I’ve been a janitor four separate times. Somehow, since my wedding, I’ve become as afraid of the vacuum as a short-haired dachshund.

In my defense, I do try to help out around the house in other ways, but my wife has cut off my dishwashing privileges. Apparently, she’d just have to wash them again when I was in the bathroom.

I’d be offended, but in my heart, I know she’s right.

I do take better care of myself now. I get more sleep and tend to eat healthier. I almost even started to smell better.

I was in the shower the other day and I realized that I was out of soap.

Not wanting to smell like unwashed geek all day (see, I do have some standards, they’re just really low), I turned to the only solution I could find – my wife’s body wash.

So I went to town with it. I figure, hey, no one’s going to know. But as I was building up a nice lather, I realized that I was starting to smell like a regular water blossom – with just a hint of mint.

At first I was terrified. But as I smelled it more and more I started to actually enjoy the new aroma.

This was the birth of a whole new Steve. I was going to take better care of myself. I was going to use all kinds of health care products that I’d never used before, like cologne and maybe even that conditioner stuff.

Fortunately, before I got out of the shower to go buy a basket full of body sprays, I farted – canceling out the new odor and returning balance to the Force.

So, I still smell like I always do. It’s a good thing, since so many other things have been changing in my life and it’s nice to have my familiar stench to keep me company.

That’s it for me this year. Enjoy the rest of 2005.

I’ll back after spending the break watching a bunch of movies I already know the ending of.

Geek on.

Steve Shinney is a junior in computer science and apologizes profusely for making everyone have a mental image of him naked in the shower.

Comments can be sent to

steveshinney@cc.usu.edu.