Column: The Geek Beat

I don’t want to alarm anybody, but this campus is just not up to code to handle certain emergencies. I was walking past the graveyard the other day and I realized that is lined with only a low chain-link fence. There is no way that will hold back the zombie hordes when the dead walk once more.

A lot of people have been saying that we should prepare for an earthquake because Utah is way overdue for such an event. This may be true, but it’s been even longer since the last zombie plague.

So it’s time to start getting ready to face the endless undead before they rear their ugly heads or neck stumps, depending on their level of decomposition. I’m really busy with work, school and the neighborhood werewolf watch, but I feel so strongly about this that I’m going to give up some time to get this thing started right.

First thing – we need to organize. After fire and baseball bats, organization is the strongest weapon we have against zombies. Zombies are not organized. According to my research, they tend to use the same swarming strategy as a 6-year-old’s soccer team.

This is why we need to form a group. We’ll called ourselves SPAZZ, which stands for Smart People Attacking Zombies Zealously. Don’t worry if you’re not too zealous, we just needed another ‘z’ for the Larry Miller endorsement.

We’ll have training drills to prepare to face the zombies when they lumber toward us. We’ll use a series of feints and attacks combined with standard hammer-and-anvil tactics. We’ll also rely on the strategies of my ancient Scottish ancestors and moon them.

It’ll be hard and some of you will die. Such casualties are unavoidable. Don’t whine; take one for the team. It’s for the good of everyone. Remember that time I lent you money? You owe me this much.

As the self-appointed leader of SPAZZ, I’ve been doing plenty of zombie research. If I’m going to be leading people to their fates against the undead, I should at least know a thing or two about them.

Basically, from what I’ve been able to gather, zombies are just as stupid as they appear in the movies. They may have the advantage in numbers, but beyond that, we’re vastly superior to them.

Think about it, what’s so scary about zombies? Sure they are disgusting and gross to look at, but have you ever seen a fast zombie? Or even a regular speed zombie? Zombies are slow, I mean really slow. I’m talking the speed of golf here.

I can see the slow approach of a zombie being a threat to an infant or maybe someone with really bad depth perception, but beyond babies and pirates, who’s been chased down by a zombie?

This is why most zombie fighters can be seen brandishing a baseball or cricket bat. If you don’t have the patience required for these games, fighting zombies may not be for you.

And don’t go giving me that crap about strength in numbers. True, less is not more. I’ll give you that. But a giant horde of turtles is just as worthless as one turtle.

If a single plumber can take out a army of turtles I’m pretty sure a ragtag group plucky, young college students with a handsome leader can hold back the tide of undead.

Second, what are zombies? Rotting corpses. Time is on our side. Sooner or later, the decomposition process is going to complete itself and we’ll all be okay.

I think the main reason we’re so afraid of zombies is because they all look the same. You’ve got admit, this is disconcerting. That is the whole reason we’re all so afraid of gang members, postal workers and twins.

As a member of SPAZZ, you’ll receive a lot more than intense anti-zombie combat training. We also will have a monthly meeting where you can network with other prominent zombie-aware people.

You will develop a really strong “bashing arm.”

We will also have T-shirts. That way we can show the zombies our “Double-Z game” right before we show them our butts.

Geek on.

Steve Shinney is a junior majoring in computer science. He is also an expert in fighting all forms of undead, including zombies, ghost and vampires, but not mummies. Apparently, mummies give him the “willies.” Comments can be sent to

steveshinney@cc.usu.edu.