COLUMN: The Jazz would do better with George ‘Dubya’ Bush at center
Did you happen to see George W. Bush throw out the first pitch at the Brewers home-opener? Did you see what type of pitch it was? He threw a split-finger fastball. How many previous U.S. Presidents even knew what split-finger was?
Sure, he bounced it across the plate, but let’s cut the guy some slack. That was his professional debut as president. A lot of guys wouldn’t have had the guts to pull out the junk pitches until their third or fourth year in office. Dubya went straight to the splitter. He may be short on control, but he’s got courage.
Besides, bouncing the pitch across home plate is just part of looking presidential. The president never pitches a strike when he throws out the first pitch. Who is Bush to suddenly change the tradition and hit the strikezone? He was simply showing respect for past presidents.
But Bush’s baseball skills shouldn’t surprise anyone. He was a part owner of the Texas Rangers before being elected governor of Texas. He reportedly knew more about baseball players of old than he did about world leaders when he took office.
Want to know Ted Williams lifetime batting average? What about Nolan Ryan’s ERA? Ask Dubya. He knows.
We know if he has baseball skills. I wonder if Bush has any basketball skills. I hear the Jazz are looking for a good point guard to play alongside of John Stockton.
Bush may not be in his prime, but he’s not too much older than anyone else on the team. With all the jogging he’s done since taking office, he’s bound to be in better shape than Greg Ostertag – and a better player too.
I think he’d be a natural fit for the Jazz.
Unfortunately for Utah, I don’t think Bush has a lot of interest in the NBA. The league is too flashy. I just don’t think it’s his style. Can you imagine Bush trash-talking as he brought the ball down the floor?
BUSH: Who’s your daddy, Kobe? Huh? WHO’S YOUR DADDY? You ain’t got game. You can’t guard me, kid. You’re a has-been.
BRYANT: Bring it, old man. I ain’t afraid of your Secret Service goons.
– Bush spins baseline and dunks on Bryant –
BUSH: Tell you what, kid, you can call me bus driver because I just took you to school, homeboy. No tax cut for you! In fact, I’m going to raise your taxes and cut everyone else’s. Everyone who pays taxes is getting a tax cut except you, kid.
I just can’t picture Bush showboating like that and lipping off to his defender. It’s not his style.
Al Gore, on the other hand, would have been a natural trash-talker. It’s all too easy to picture him talking smack with the best of them.
GORE: You think you got game, boy? Well I’ve got news for you: I invented this game! My Grandma’s got better moves than you, and she’s 600 years old. – Gore spins baseline and dunks on Bryant – You like that, punk? Well, as Bachman Turner Overdrive sang, “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.”
But like I said, I don’t think the NBA is really Bush’s style. He’s a baseball guru, which is only fitting. After all, baseball is the American pastime, and Bush is the U.S. president.
The reality, however, is that Bush is in the first year of a four-year contract as president of the United States, which means he won’t be in a Jazz uniform for at least another three years – maybe longer.
The Jazz need help now. They can’t wait three years. Malone is getting older, Stockton is contemplating retirement after next season, and Ostertag is … well, Ostertag. If Utah is ever going to make a run at the championship again, it has to be soon, and there’s not a lot of help available out there.
Personally, I think Bush has a better chance of getting that split-finger over the plate than the Jazz have of winning a championship anytime soon.
Casey Hobson, a senior, is a photographer for the Statesman. Comments can be sent to him at hobsonhut@hotmail.com