COLUMN: The magic number eight
Now, before I get to this week’s main topic, I want to make one thing perfectly clear: I hate politics. There is no way around it. You can have me watch C-SPAN from now until kingdom come, force me to move in with Andersen Cooper or spoon-feed me exit polls until I’m blue in the face, and I’m positive I’ll still care as little about our governmental issues as most people do about Pauley Shore.
With this in mind, I am clearly aware my time was due for me to express my political views, because that’s what we columnists do. We are given 30 hearty column inches and a topic with which to express our feelings so you, the reader, can gauge your opinions on the matter.
And we get paid to do this.
Pretty sweet huh?
As I took time to study the current issues in America (meaning I skimmed the “highest views” links on YouTube while my Spaghetti-O’s were heating up) I came to conclude that the sure-fire most pertinent topic in the news today is Proposition 8.
Why this ever-intensively vital proposition, you ask? I mean, c’mon, the issues surrounding Proposition 8 may be the most important we’ve encountered in modern America, the decision in its text hang upon the values of everyone in this country.
Alright, alright, so I really I have no clue what Proposition 8 even talks about – I think it’s something along the lines of not eating red meat inside bars of public restaurants, something called the “Clean Livestock Act” – but Stephen Colbert keeps telling me it’s important, so I feel I should raise my voice to the concern.
My view on the topic is pretty concrete, and I feel, can’t really be countered. Regardless of the main topics and arguments on the matter, what TV analysts and editorial cartoon tell you, or your feelings of the Swedish meatballs at Ikea, one fact puts it all to rest. That is, you can never, ever, under any circumstance, trust the number eight.
I’m sure you’ve never thought of this, but trust me it’s incredibly vital. The number eight has been an intricate catalyst to some of the most trying times in our known history. Let’s break it down for just a second.
Consider all the tragic and grief stricken experiences that have spawned through the number eight and you’ll see where I’m coming from. There were eight players involved in the 1919 Chicago White Sox baseball scandal, the Irish population peaked at eight million just before the potato famine took place, eight persecuted reindeer are put under pain and agony via Santa Claus’ whip every Christmas Eve.
Take out your thumbs, easily the most reliable of the phalanges, and you’ll have what? Eight. It never ends.
Remember how rigid Kobe Bryant’s play was on the basketball court when his number was eight? Look at how many concussions the eight-wielding Steve Young had in football, or even, dare I say it, the song featuring the lyrics “itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini” debuted on Aug. 8, 1960. That’s two eights in one. Oh, the humanity.
Needless to say, that notorious number has caused too much pain, but none worse than what it almost did to Buzz and Woody in “Toy Story.” Think about it: these heroic warriors of plastic were exiled from their two-story home, almost run over by numerous vehicles, lost limbs, lost all sense of hope in the world and were inches short of death by explosion via the deranged mind of Sid Phillips.
Remember how it all began? It all came to a head when Woody was caught by the allure of a Magic 8 Ball, the most deceptive of all fortune-telling playthings. The infamous message revealed inside that ball unraveled a line of heart-wrenching and nearly fatal events for two defenseless toys who just wanted to be loved. Had that rocket not been placed as well as it was when falling toward Andy’s van, how broken our hearts would have been. Eight has come too close to ruining so much good in our lives, and we can’t let that happen any longer. Our time has come.
So it’s my call to you, Aggies. Stand up in lieu of the most trying political issue plaguing our nation and make things right. Rise up and put a stop to the number eight. Sign petitions, start a “March Against Even Numbers” rally, rip every package of hot dog buns (ever notice how many they carry? It’s a conspiracy) and let the world know you are not going to take it any more. Do anything you can.
For we, the people, citizens united for good, deserve our rights, our freedom and integers that reflect the values we hold so dear. If that’s not change we can count on, I don’t know what is.
Questions or comments can be sent to Steve at steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu.