COLUMN: The new ‘South Geek Diet’

these new diets are in-style, hip and really stupid.

But they also make money, and since I’m required by my ’80s upbringing and U.S. law to be a greedy capitalist pig, I’d like to introduce you all to my very own fad diet. I call it the South Geek Diet.

Now I’m sure there are some of you out there – and I’m thinking of my wife, my doctor and anyone who attended the 2004 Wimbledon – may be saying, “Hey Steve, we’ve seen you naked and you have no business creating your own diet plan.”

And you’re probably right: I am the proud owner of a physique that makes Gumby look like the Russian in “Rocky 4.”

The thing is, though, I know why my body has gone to crap, which puts me in the perfect position to help you avoid the same problem.

I’ve also spent a lot of time reading stuff that runs in other papers. Every year it seems that various universities perform studies to find out the reasons behind the “Freshman 15.”

Like most university studies, this is a scam to distract the government from the killer robot program in the steam tunnels.

I’ll tell you why freshmen tend to gain a few extra pounds their first year at college.

At some point in every college student’s first year living alone, a time will come when the student is hungry. The usual fresh vegetables and meat will be gone from the fridge and the student will be too involved in a “Dharma and Greg” marathon to go to the store. In the back of the fridge behind the baking soda, there will 2/3 of a can of frosting.

As soon as the subject realizes that a partially eaten can of frosting is 50 percent of the ingredients for a traditional college meal – the other is a spoon – the damage has been done.

This is pretty much exactly how I transformed from a high school senior with washboard abs and biceps that could crush walnuts into the college freshman who considers sneezing a full-body workout.

I blame my mother, or more specifically, the lack of my mother.

Every since I was a small child, my mother has told me what should and should not go in my mouth. I’ve come to trust her.

I’ll never forget her gentle words: “Get that filthy thing out of your mouth, you don’t know where it’s been.”

Then she slapped me.

Truth is I did actually know where it had been. I just never told her because that would probably have made it worse.

I’m sure most of you have had similar experiences since you’ve moved out on your own.

So this is the main point behind the South Geek Diet – before you eat anything, call my mom and ask if it’s OK. It doesn’t matter, day or night, she is ready and waiting to help you make the decision between a salad topped with almonds and mandarin orange wedges or ice cream topped with KitKat bars.

That’s pretty much it, just call my mom first.

If you want to add more to the plan, that’s fine, just don’t come crying to me when you end up getting really fat because you trusted in some new- age trend like Atkins or exercise.

My doctor has never told me I need to exercise. He and I have a deal.

He doesn’t tell me to work out and I don’t ask him to look at this growth I have on my butt.

Eat well and geek on.

Steve Shinney is a senior in computer science who used to base his eating habits on video games. He would only eat when he was hurt and needed to regain some life points. Comments can be sent to

steveshinney@cc.usu.edu.