COLUMN: The score sits North Dakota 1, U2 0
I know this isn’t a political column, but when Bono and the North Dakota Legislature are involved, I just can’t pass up such a sweet opportunity.
North Dakota wanted to become the first state to honor Bono – you know, from U2 – for his humanitarian work around the world. The resolution was defeated 58-35. Apparently, at least one legislator thought the Bono in the resolution was Sonny Bono – from Sonny and Cher.
One legislator even went as far as to say that this is something that doesn’t matter to North Dakota, the United States or the world. Wow, I bet that pissed some U2 fans off.
First of all, the guy is right – who cares about U2? I sure don’t, especially not about Bono. So what, Bono is a celebrity with a cause. So is Britney Spears. Her cause just happens to be awesome buzz cuts.
Other stars have causes too. Just look at Russell Crowe, whose cause is – as “South Park” so eloquently put it – “fightin’ ’round the world.” Paris Hilton probably even has a cause, albeit a very dirty, dirty one.
Second, how many U2 fans do you thing there are in North Dakota? Maybe five. Maybe 15. Probably not many more than that. North Dakota doesn’t really seem like a U2 state to me – maybe Brad Paisley, Captain and Tenniel or even the Spice Girls, but definitely not U2.
North Dakotans wear too much flannel to listen to U2. And that’s a scientific fact, or at least it will be when I get more funding for my study about the effect of flannel on its wearer’s listening habits. Donations can be made to the Baker Fund for Flannel Research.
I need to stop begging and get back on track.
This whole Bono-honoring resolution thing got me thinking. Who should the Utah Legislature honor? There are a few people who may spring to mind, like John Stockton or Karl Malone. Those would be too obvious. We need a celebrity who truly has a cause and is adored in Utah. And no one better say Donny Osmond, because I’ll puke.
How about Snoop Dogg? He’s done a lot of good for the world, including a lot of things Utahns can appreciate. He has been involved in the production of pornographic movies – although he wasn’t in them – and his music often promotes smoking pot and drinking. I don’t know; it was just a suggestion.
Or maybe Utah could do me a favor and pass a resolution to honor Pantera’s Dime Bag Darrell for his contributions to thrash metal and ultra-fast, super-awesome guitar playing. But you know what they say, wish in one hand and crap in the other, and see which one gets filled first.
Sorry about the vivid, disgusting image, but it really irritates me that some of my heroes will never be honored by a state legislature. There’s only one solution: I must start my own state – one chock-full of super-manly awesomeness.
I would be the governor, of course, and I would get our legislature to pass some resolutions honoring some people who really deserve to be honored.
First on the list would be Chuck Norris, for his contributions to the art of roundhouse kicking someone’s head clean off his body.
Then there would be that proverbial manly hero and bastion of metal, Zakk Wylde. He would get honored for his contribution to beer-drinking, guitar-playing and the acceptability of a killer Viking appearance.
Last, for now, would be Bear Grylls from “Man vs. Wild.” He puts Mother Nature in her place, and I think we can all respect that.
We’re currently taking nominations.
David Baker is currently the governor of his room. Comments can be sent to him at dabake@cc.usu.edu.