COLUMN: The South would have won — had they chosen Pepsi over Coke
If Pepsi and Coca-Cola got in a fight, who would win?
I often lay awake at night pondering this question; it is one of the four most compelling man frequently asks.
Who are we? Why are we here? What time’s the game on? Who would win if Pepsi and Coke went mano a mano?
I have a few theories. My first is called The Theory of Power Colors.
Coke cans are red, and red is traditionally a very successful color in the sporting world. It is a power color. Teams with red or black in their jerseys typically have more success than teams with other colors.
Don’t believe me? Look at the Yankees. They’ve won four out of the last five World Series. Why? Because they have black pinstripes on their uniforms. If those pinstripes were green, the Yanks would be battling teams like Minnesota and Montreal for the worst record in baseball.
So as far as colors and jerseys are concerned, I think Coke has the edge.
My second theory (a.k.a. The Cold War Theory) leads me to believe Pepsi would win.
Pepsi cans are red, white and blue like the American Flag. Coke cans are red, like the flag from the former Soviet Union.
Coke would therefore be a communist cola, and could not stand up to the might and democracy of Pepsi.
Pepsi, like the United States, will always triumph over evil like Coke and the Soviet Union of old. In fact, RC Cola could probably put up just as good of a fight.
I’ve noticed another similarity between Pepsi and the United States.
Pepsi has spent a lot of money on advertising over the last decade, building up its army of consumers.
This is strikingly similar to what Ronald Reagan did in the 1980s with the US military – a move that eventually led to the downfall of the Soviet Union and the end of the Cold War.
If this theory of mine holds true, it will only be a matter of time before Coke crumbles just like the Soviet Union, leaving Pepsi as the undisputed cola-champion.
The Testimonial Theory is the only other thing I’ve come up with.
It’s based purely on who has the stronger celebrity testimonials.
Once upon a time, big names like Michael Jordan and Evander Holyfield advertised for Coke. They were the champions of their respective sports and would have propelled Coke to victory had the cola wars taken place in that advertising era.
Why? Because Pepsi’s main spokesman was Ray Charles and the “Uh-huh babes.” Granted, Charles and his background vocalists out-numbered Jordan and Holyfield, but the odds of a blind man and some ladies in evening gowns defeating the heavyweight champion of the world aren’t that great. Throw Jordan in the mix, and I give Pepsi the same odds a crippled lamb has of walking out of a lion’s den alive.
As the Monkey’s said, however, “That was then, this is now.” And right now Pepsi has the advertising edge behind stars like Faith Hill, Jeff Gordon, Sammy Sosa, Ken Griffey Jr., Shaquille O’Neal, KISS and the recently signed Britney Spears.
Coke has been stuck with Lance Armstrong and these stupid white polar bears in recent years – clearly not the personnel with whom to win a cola war.
I don’t know if any of these theories are solid enough to warrant a research grant from the government, but they are starting points.
In the see-saw battle of the Cola Wars, it’s just too close to determine who would … wait a minute. I just remembered something.
Pepsi released a not-so-well-received product in the early 90s called Pepsi Clear. It looked cool but tasted like antifreeze. It was pulled from the shelves not long after it hit the stores. However, the ads promoting the product during it’s brief stay on the shelves centered around Van Halen’s 1991 hit song “Right Now.”
That Van Halen tidbit alone is enough to end the debate. Pepsi would pummel Coke in a cola war.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go apply for a research grant from the government to prove my Van Halen theory is correct.
Casey Hobson is a junior majoring in journalism. Comments can be sent to
hobsonhut@hotmail.com