COLUMN: The unpublished columns
If you happen to be an avid follower of my column, you know I view life as one big pop culture reference, where there is no single moment that does not correlate perfectly with some moment from some movie, song or TV show.
More specifically, I see life, as a whole, as a personal extended DVD movie – one where we can share all of the commentary, bloopers and special features that our everyday living brings into play.
Why do I bring this up, you ask? Well, this concept came to mind as I was bouncing around ideas for my final column of the school year – if you are keeping track it’s this one – and in doing so fell upon a list of column ideas I have had throughout the year. Then this thought came to mind:
“Aye carumba. These are my deleted scenes.”
That is what I decided to share with you today, my personal deleted scenes. These are actual column ideas I have had throughout the year that, for some reason or another, didn’t quite make the cut.
The Calm Before the Exam: Early in Fall Semester, I had an idea for documenting the morning before an exam – you know, that weird, numb, “Schindler’s List”-style aura one experiences hours before a test. The problem was I had the hardest time working it as a comedy. It was much more fitting as a tragedy. In a lot of ways it was a lot like a Sean Bean movie; something is always missing, someone is always betraying someone and, for who knows what reason, Sean Bean always ends up dead. I just couldn’t find a way to gather laughs from that.
Steve’s Top 10 List of Top 10 Lists: A quick glance at my work in the last two years has proven my love for creating “best of” lists, so why not have a countdown of lists that I would personally enjoy compiling? Heck, I could upstage David Letterman with that caliber of work. Unfortunately this never made it to page.
Quite honestly, I couldn’t make up my darn mind. Would I rather see a list of my favorite Capri Sun flavors or simply a countdown of things that would be awesome if they were created made really, really huge? This columnist may be quick with words, but he is no good at making a constructive decision. It was safest this one stayed in the vault.
Steve’s “Bring Back Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper” Twitter Campaign: This never actually occurred as I realized quite quickly and rather cathartically that people have no respect for long-winded hashtags. It turns out the general public likes to keep it simple. They should bring back “Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper” though. That program made my sides split faster than “My Wife and Kids” and “In Living Color” possibly could have combined, even if both of those shows featured Wayans brothers.
That Story About the Time I Sat in Gum at the Movie Theater: This would have essentially been about the time I sat in gum at the movie theatre, but we were short on funding so I did a piece on parting my hair instead.
Steve’s First Slacklining Experience: It just wasn’t worth the risk, with my weak ankles and all.
Why Harry Potter Gives Children False Hope in Brooms: I am not even a little bit kidding when I say I actually had this column completely finished before backing out because I was too nervous about passers by pelting me with fake magic beans and a Daniel Radcliffe poster from “Seventeen” magazine. If I’ve learned anything from the journalism industry it is never to anger a wizard cult. They got grit, and several sharp objects. True story.
My Life in a Children’s Book: I really didn’t want this one to work. It’s too bad all I could think to include was the title, “Stevebot’s Adventures in Schwartzville,” and what in my head looks to be like some sort of sidekick urban macaw named “Chirp Smooth.” I just need more creative balance. Maybe someday.
I hope you enjoyed the deleted scenes. A happy summer to all of my seven readers and one final lesson: always look at you movie theatre seat before sitting in it. It can get ugly.
With that, my catch phrase, and adieu until fall semester.
– Steve Schwartzman is a junior majoring in marketing and minoring in speech communication. His column runs every Wednesday. He loves sports, comedy and creative writing. He encourages any comments at his email steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu, or find him on Facebook.