COLUMN: The world needs more vandalism, lewd behavior and roaming livestock
Several years ago, everyone on campus knew about the continuously odd and hilarious weekly feature in The Statesman – the police blotter. Crazy antics were accounted for by the campus and Logan police and brought to the public by the hard-working, crack news team.
We could read about experiences involving vandalism, lewd behavior and often the inappropriate presence of various livestock on dorms.
One of my all-time favorites occurred in the spring of 2003 when some woman called the police upon suspicion that “her neighbor has taken her cat and is going to eat it.” She requested that cops show up to inspect all of her neighbor’s freezers.
While some people purposely tried to attempt crazy feats to find out if they would be immortalized in the blotter, I just turned my weekly reading into a hobby.
Unfortunately for my hobby, the police blotter is no longer a joke. It contains serious matters of criminal activity that need to be brought to the attention of the public. In other words, vandalism, lewd behavior and roaming livestock are still problems; we’re just not allowed to laugh at them.
Therefore I’ve turned to different sections in newspapers to crack a smile. My new-found favorites are embedded in the classifieds section where career and job opportunities can be identified.
Besides the fact that I am out of work and am feverishly looking for employment, I enjoy seeing what kinds of jobs are available for willing individuals in Cache Valley.
I’ve found that with few exceptions, possessing a Bachelor’s degree in physics qualifies me for highly coveted career opportunities like “general laborer” or “yard care technician.”
Perhaps I could try out being a “coordinator for old people.” Sounds all right to me. How bad could herding the elderly be? Plus, I have a special affinity for dentures.
I’m not sure what is required by the job, “sandwich artist,” but I was great at making clay ashtrays as a child, and lunch is my favorite meal of the day. I just hope the posting for a “mold maker” isn’t a position at the same company.
“Full-time gravel raker” really doesn’t have much charm. I’d prefer pursuing a career with a neat sounding name like, “unmanned aerial vehicle operator,” “armament repairer,” “cargo specialist” or perhaps even a “Patriot launching station maintainer.”
However, the fine print for these jobs leads me to believe that I would be relocated to Iraq in short-order, and as much as I like to travel the world, I’ve never been a big fan of really warm climates.
I saw a couple other jobs mentioned that have neat-sounding names but led me to consider the potential sleazy nature of the work. One of the listings is for a “screw machine operator” and the other is for a “lube technician.” I don’t even want to know.
The Logan area is fairly rural, so one would expect to see several listings for sheepherders, but the other day, I discovered a job being a “lamb watcher.”
“So, what do you do for work?”
“I watch lambs.”
“Why do you do that?”
“The full-growns require certification.”
What the heck is a “lamb watcher” anyway? It sounds like a perfect job for an obese individual with a lot of time and an incredible appetite for juvenile mutton.
After seeing all of these great choices, I’ve had a hard time deciding what I should do. All of sudden the heavens opened, and the ideal listing was placed for a “reefer truck driver.”
Perfect.
As suspected, the ad states, “Over-the-road truck drivers are needed immediately to haul general commodities. We haul to Texas and back once a week.”
Ah yes – driving “general commodities” to and from the Midwest. Deep down, I always knew Texas had to be reefer central. Just look at some of the prominent things to come out of that state – abnormally large hats, Branch Davidians and George W. Bush.
Further down in the description, the job posting also mentions that employees will need to pass a “drug and road test.”
Obviously if you are going to be a reefer truck driver, you’ll need to be able pass the important test of being able to drive while high. Call it an inconvenience or call it a perk, when can I start?
Seriously though, I realize that unless I quickly find a really good job that pays well and has great benefits, I may be stuck doing something much, much cooler like driving reefers across the country. Sounds like another new hobby.
Maybe this way I can finally, after all these years, make it into the police blotter.
Garrett Wheeler’s column appears every other Friday in The Utah Statesman. Send comments to him
at wheel@cc.usu.edu.