COLUMN: Think USU is boring? The Power Rangers don’t
I recently returned from a regional conference in which I had the task of proposing Utah State to host an annual event in the fall. Essentially, our group was trusted with bragging USU up as much as possible.
We spent weeks doing research and preparing for what I felt to be a riveting presentation, putting in every conceivable effort to, as the young people of society would put it, “Wow ‘em.” From most angles, it looked like a great success for us.
Sadly enough, we fell short of our goal to get the event, losing to another school for reasons I can’t fully define. Also, they promised a water park. And water parks are cool. Drat.
I guess we just didn’t fit the mold the region wanted for the event, which got me thinking: Is USU really that interesting to people? Are we, dare I say it, a boring campus?
The answer is no. I say this with great emphasis because I came to a realization that I wish I would have realized when presenting for this conference. Life on the USU campus can be directly likened to the life of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Yes, the very 1990s teen superhero sensation themselves.
It’s true, and I’m about to prove it to you. Buckle up.
First and foremost, no super-team can function without an all-things-exciting headquarters. For the Power Rangers, that headquarters was a desert-dome, robot-hosted haven known as the Command Center.
For us Aggies, look no further than the Merrill Cazier Library. It has everything a headquarters needs. We have technology branches fit with hundreds of computers, small think tank rooms on every floor and even a robotic book sorter that gives us access to every file on every evildoer this side of Hollywood Hogan. We even have an observatory just across the lawn. No doubt the library is definitely your one stop crime fighting shop.
Next, we are going to need a place for some incredible battle sequences — after all there is no sense in having super heroes if there aren’t villains. If we think for just a second, the Quad is a no-brainer.
It’s enclosed enough that evil-doers can pop out of seemingly anywhere and stage an attack. It is a well-trafficked area, promoting a charging, panicked horde of innocent bystanders from almost sure danger. Most importantly, it has just enough open space to invite rangers to fight overgrown monsters with their always reliable, enormous robotic battle Zords. Heck, we even have an engineering program that could potentially build a Zord. Don’t think they haven’t tried. Battlegrounds, found.
Of course, the Rangers are going to need a means to morph into their color coded and all too super gear.
Well, um, I’m sure we have large enough bathroom stalls somewhere. That one was easy.
Wait, it gets better. If you want to even train to become a Power Ranger, there are several martial arts classes offered at your leisure. It’s as if Zordon, the Rangers’ wise bodiless leader, himself created this place.
Speaking of Zordon, we’ve got that as well. Have you ever heard Professor Michael Ballam’s singing voice? Pretty deep, wouldn’t you say? It’s eerie, I know, but don’t try and deny it.
Finally, after a full day of planning at the Merrill Cazier Command Center, morphing into your super-self, seeking out the musically inclined Zordon for advice and protecting a worried public from an onslaught of bad guys on the Quad, it’s always important to remember that you are still a young adult in need of a place to relax and re-energize at the end of every episode. The Rangers themselves had “Ernie’s Youth Center,” a hip-to-be-square hangout where a smoothie bar meets a karate dojo, topped off with a well-lit dance floor and arcade.
Well.
Hmm.
Alright, so we don’t exactly have that. But remember when I said we had an observatory? That’s interesting, isn’t it?
So there we are, a campus akin to our favorite teen crime fighters. I don’t think anyone can deny that our campus is interesting.
Now all we need is a water park. Water parks are cool.
– steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu