COLUMN: Tips to survive the frigid winter
There are very few more regrettable actions than the one I pulled this week. Lets face it, sometimes it’s okay to go a few miles per hour above the speed limit, there’s no shame in super-sizing that Big Mac every now and again — heck, I wouldn’t even bat an eye if someone admitted to me they thought Sinbad was funny. All of those have a little wiggle room, but sadly I did one worse.
Take it from me. If you’re in Logan, never wear flip-flops in mid-October.
You may find my claim a little Busch League, maybe even a little comical, but I stopped laughing when I lost feeling in both of my big toes. There is no question, the Cache Valley chill is downright relentless. It sneaks up on all of us like Swiper the Fox nabbing our trusty map to the Big Yellow Tree.
Just to give you a glimpse of how bad it is, it hasn’t even happened yet. Not even close. We’re even months short of Jackson W. Frost rearing its ugly head, and we’re already talking about it. Are you scared yet? Well, you should be.
It won’t be too long before temperatures drop, ever so dramatically, and plaster us into a community laden with nostril-clenching, wind-chill and all-too sincere disdain toward the movie “Snow Day” for trying to make such environments look fun — even if the film gives me great cause to call my girlfriend “Claire Bear” — so it’s about time we got prepared. Here are a few well-needed tips to survive a frigid Cache Valley winter.
The first step to getting fully prepared for the seasons ahead is to get the attire in check. Now, yes, we all know the importance of covering up in an effort to protect from cold, disease and surprise attacks from what appears to be Michael Keaton dressed as a snowman.
The real kicker at hand here deals with covering the head more than anything else. Some well-planned, warm headgear is key come wintertime, as it labels the kind of winter person you truly are. The goal is to come off looking prepared for the elements, while not enjoying them in the process.
This means no bright colors, cartoon characters, anything with a knitted brim as it a) makes one look like a dufus and b) adds a lighter tone toward reacting to the weather, making passersby think you may actually want to be out in the cold. Just as people won’t think to give you free food if they think you’re rich, you’ll never score added warmth — whether through shelter, spare clothing, or a loving dosage of cocoa — if you look like you can handle it. If I’ve learned anything from Ray Romano, it’s that looking and acting somewhat pitiful pays off, over time.
Next in line is to be conscientious of what you eat. The trick here is, simply, you want to ingest morsels based solely on how one would react to eating it in a mid-’90s TV commercial. Yes, Andes lovers, this means no mint. Do you really want to risk the chance of blowing frost out of your mouth in a run-down alleyway when wind chill is already a factor? That’s one hefty bag short of portable influenza.
Trust me on this. Stick to things that either form flames coming out of ears, heads turning into full-blown rockets or, only as necessary, foods that naturally zoom one directly into their mind, which is evidently having some sort of Jamaican style party. It’s honestly the best you can do to avoid turning into one of those giant-nose-for-a-head things that gave me nightmares as a kid.
Finally, stay in doors as often as possible. Simple logic: if you go outside, you are blatantly susceptible to snowballs. Anyone who has ever experienced an old-fashioned snowball ambush knows they’d rather have been on the opposing end of Ralphie’s Red Ryder BB gun than one of Scut Farkus’ dreaded ice-embossed projectiles. You can’t be too careful. So stay indoors — your nose along with whatever pride isn’t already covered by your Hey Arnold beanie cap will thank you.
Hopefully that gave some needed aid before the dreaded freeze attacks us, as always, from behind. And if nothing else, we can always keep our hopes up that Tim Allen dressed as Santa Claus will be around to keep us company.
– Steve Schwartzman is a junior majoring in marketing and minoring in speech communication. His column runs every Wednesday. He loves sports, comedy and creative writing. He encourages any comments at his email steve.schwartzman@aggiemail.usu.edu, or find him on Facebook.