COLUMN: Unraveling the marathon madness
When the ancient Greek runner Pheidippides raced into Athens after a grueling 26-mile run, he had no idea what he was going to set off. Some things that may have been going through his mind at the time were, “I really should have bought those sandals with little rollers on the bottom,” or “Man, I wonder if my life insurance premium covers death by running exhaustion?”
One thing I am sure he was not aware of, however, were the long reaching effects of his high speed run. Yes, Pheidy’s little jaunt that directly led to his death has now been immortalized, even thousands of years later, in what we call today, the marathon.
To me, the whole marathon phenomenon is something of an enigma. People really do search out opportunities to actually go and run 26 miles as fast as they can. Not only that, but there are huge events that mark these long-distance races and draw countless numbers of people, all under the guise of “the challenge,” or sometimes even for plain old “fun.” I think if Pheidy saw what a craze marathon races had become, he’d laugh his head off and probably say, to paraphrase the third “Back to the Future” movie, “Run for fun, what the heck kind of fun is that?”
Yet in spite of Pheidy’s speculated skepticism, along with my own, and countless other couch potatoes out there, the marathon rage is real, and I am here to help you understand how serious these marathons can be taken. Here are some true facts that will confirm this seemingly ridiculous rumor.
The famous Boston Marathon has 20,000 participants. That’s right, 20,000. That’s almost half the entire population of Logan lining up on a street and voluntarily scurrying a little more than two dozen miles. And that’s not all.
Twenty-thousand is the LIMIT. They actually turn people down … you read correctly, turn people down! The Boston Marathon officials have to tell people, “I’m sorry, we have too many people willing to torture themselves this year. We are unable to allow you to go through extreme amounts of pain pushing your body beyond its limits for 26 miles because too many people before you have signed up for this ritual already.” In fact, it’s not just the Boston Marathon that has limits, it’s just about all marathons. In many cases you have to run other “less prestigious” marathons (Less prestigious? Aren’t they all 26 miles?) in order to qualify for the “big” marathons. That’s not all either. These marathon events actually charge money.
The Boston Marathon is almost a hundred bucks for the privilege of killing yourself. If you’re feeling suicidal, however, I would suggest our own Top of Utah Marathon, which is quite a bit more economical at $40 (for early registration).
Now, of course, these marathon event organizers wouldn’t have to do this if there weren’t so many people trying to accomplish this agonizing feat, but sure enough, there are more than enough people simply desperate to get accepted. I have a sister who got turned down by the St. George Marathon. Not willing to accept this snub, she tried to appeal, but to no avail. Luckily for her (at least she calls it luck), it turns out that my brother-in-law knew a person who knew a person who might possibly be able to get my sister into the marathon through somewhat questionable, if not clandestine methods.
Who’s behind these marathons anyway, the Mafia? (In most movies I’ve seen, the Mafia members don’t exactly appear physically fit enough for a marathon, but I guess that doesn’t necessarily mean they can’t be in charge of them.) As if to confirm my theory, my sister’s instructions were to call a certain number at a very specific time. There, she was supposed to give a name and would then be transferred to someone else (I believe he was called “Big Tony”), and then after paying a high price she would be slipped into the marathon. I don’t know exactly how they work that stuff out, but probably some other poor, unsuspecting contestant was sent to “sleep with the fishes” or, probably better said, “run with the fishes” (a corny, but very necessary pun, believe me).
Now if that is how cutthroat the St. George Marathon is, I don’t even want to know how bad the Boston or Olympic marathons are. I still don’t understand how so many people could want to put themselves through such pain, but since I’ve now demonstrated how popular it is, I guess I’ll just have to accept it. The thing I can’t understand, however, is the need to go to one of the organized events. I mean, if you are absolutely set on driving your body to the edge of complete physical exhaustion, what’s wrong with just stepping off your porch and running to Beaver Mountain or something?
I don’t want to sound too ignorant, but isn’t 26 miles, well, 26 miles? Heck, if you want the Boston experience, you could just fly out there, step off the plane, run 26 miles, take a cab back to the airport and come home.
I’ve racked my brain and the only thing I can come up with is that people need to go to the prearranged marathon races because those courses have been carefully measured out beforehand. If that is, indeed, the logic, then I am willing to save you marathon runners a lot of time and money. For a fraction of the price those other marathons provide, you can receive a map made by me showing you how far 26 miles is on all of the major roads leading out of Logan, and then you can run to your heart’s content. For a little extra, I’ll even provide a couple water bottles. Do me a favor, though. Don’t let Big Tony know that I’m taking some of his business … the “family” wouldn’t appreciate it.
Marty Reeder is a senior majoring in history education. Comments or Marty Marathon applications can be sent to martr@cc.usu.edu.