COLUMN: Utah State — We drink from the teat
I like to see the Aggies win. Sometimes they just don’t win as much as they maybe could. Lately, as any dedicated member of the Logan community would do, I have been asking myself, “What can I do to help?” Utah State has great fans and they cheer their huge Aggie hearts out — really they do. I was thinking, if somehow, we could harness that energy, channel it into an effect that could truly make a difference in the outcome of the game — I mean other than throwing stuff onto the basketball court and giving our team a technical foul — then we would truly be helping our Aggies.
I believe we could change just a few things. To start, a new slogan. Not just a saying, but a slogan that will always accompany the name of our prestigious institution. Something like this, Utah State University: We drink from the teat. On the logo, it could be written small across the bottom of the bold letters of the name of the university. Yes, Utah State: We drink from the teat. What is really scary about an Aggie anyway? I don’t think that most opponents even know what that is. But oh, after the slogan and logo are changed, all opponents’ thought processes will change.
The thoughts of two prospective Utah State opponents were recorded as one was told that he would play the Utah State Aggies, and the other was to play Utah State University: We drink from the teat. The following were their responses. The first thought, “I wonder what an Aggie is anyway — who cares, we are going to whoop ’em”. The second — “I wonder what an Aggie is anyway — what does it say there below Utah State University … Oh my … can we cancel the game? … drinks from the teat? … They will eat my children!” As you can see, this slogan instills fear in the hearts of all who encounter it.
My proposed improvements don’t stop there. Along with the new slogan comes a new movement to accompany the school song. Presently, as the Aggie fans sing their fight song, the crowd employs an up and down arm motion with an emphatic squeeze as the hand comes down, mimicking the act of milking a cow. I would not remove this beloved movement, but change it a bit.
I would raise it, to be exact. Raise the same motion above the head mimicking the act of squeezing the milky contents of a cow’s full teat directly into one’s own mouth. Instead of saying that we will milk our cows into a bucket and give it to you, I would say we will milk your cows straight into our own mouths. I would replace submissive milking to in-your-face milking — even in my-own-face milking — a warm, untreated demonstration of just how crazy we are and will be. Forget pasteurization — demand satisfaction.
This will instill fear into the opponent. It will make them question our sanity and thus weaken them enough to help our athletes along to a more possible victory.
Kelly Griffiths is a sophomore studying computer engineering. Comments can be sent to kellygrif@cc.usu.edu.