COLUMN: Wacky predictions for 2012
So, it’s 2012, huh? I’m assuming this means you want me to say something about the end of the world or Kevin Sorbo possibly being nominated for an Academy Award. I’ll consider the former, but the latter is out of the question — that’s a tragedy no innocent bystander should be forced to endure.
We’ve got one doozy of a year ahead of us — the general-reading public — one stunningly laden with gripping headlines, societal changes aplenty and a majority of people actually remembering who Michael Phelps is. I generally pose him as a nighttime double agent who just so happens to have a daytime interior design show on A&E.
Now, I’m no soothsayer, though I am a proponent to the support of people who struggle through a life of saying the word “soothsayer” with a lisp — that’s just torture — but if I am good at anything it is giving a menial annual forecast. So here goes my list of predictions for the year 2012. Feel free to insert John Cusack jokes wherever best suits your fancy.
News – News aficionados the world over will be in a grand state of flux after experiencing what will hereto be known as the “Protesting Conundrum.” Essentially all those who regularly distribute news through the Internet, a tweet, text, blog or are Kent Brockman will stage a worldwide boycott from official writing, causing a max influx of hiring professional newswriters for actual newspapers, causing a form of reporter inflation where costs for hiring writers shoots through the roof, stories go beyond sensationalized to further competition and viewers for the first time in U.S. history are forced to tune into NBC News to do more than look at Brian Williams’ hair.
Shock and awe fill the news rooms when Calvin Coolidge defies science and comes back to life with just enough time to publicly declare, “I have heard all of your inquiries and, yes, my name is just that awesome.”
E. coli makes a surprising comeback, spawning the Organic Great Depression.
Entertainment – The music world delights when ‘90s staple Eiffel 65 reunites as a band and formally announces that the lyrics to the chorus of their song “Blue” was intended to be an endearing serenade of a family throw rug, encouraging the lead singer to explain, “Sorry guys, I got my wisdom teeth out that day.”
The Academy Awards will finally regain credibility when they revise original verdicts and award “Citizen Kane” the award for best picture in 1941 under the newly ratified For-goodness-sake-if-it’s-considered-the-best-movie-of-all-time-it-sure-as-heck-better-not-have-lost-to-“How Green was My Valley” Clause. Not that I’m bitter or anything.
‘N Sync returns. On the moon. It’s going to happen. You’ll see.
Well-renowned TV show “Arrested Development” returns. That’s all I have to say, it’s that exciting.
Fashion – Sorry, no fashion predictions, I’m still overwhelmed by the “Arrested Development” thing.
Sports – Michael Jordan makes a stunning comeback to basketball when he joins Bugs Bunny in a quest to defeat power hungry aliens — wait, that’s a movie…
The Chicago Cubs finally make their way to the World Series when 12-year-old pitching prodigy Henry Rowengartner leads them to — hold on, that’s wrong too…
Kevin Costner builds a miraculous baseball field that — nope, still a movie…
Kevin Costner makes his way through the minor league ranks in Durham, N.C., as a — crap, where are my notes…
America’s favorite underdog Rocky Balboa musters the courage to defeat Russian monster Ivan Draco in a — what? That’s a movie, too? Seriously? I am in serious trouble.
OK, OK. The Red Wings win the Stanley Cup, Dodgers win the World Series, Tiger Woods wins Wimbledon and wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin buys the San Diego Chargers and moves them to Los Angeles, naming them the L.A. Stunners.
Sorry, my NBA and NFL correspondents had all their prediction facts written down in their offices, but they were locked out.
Election 2012 – Carl Winslow wins the election and becomes ruler of the free world. Don’t believe me? Your favorite political blogger must be on strike.
And lastly, Finding Waldo – Quite frankly, it depends on what page you are on. More likely than not he is hiding behind a palm tree. Word has it he is dating Carmen San Diego. She prefers a man in stripes.
Yep, 2012, or as I call it “The Year of the Nematode” is going to be one Tilt-A-Whirl of a time. Spend it wisely.
Oh, and for all those who are already correcting me on the false guesses from last year’s predictions, that was the other Steve Schwartzman, the one with the mustache. We get mixed up all the time.