COLUMN: Welcome back
I would like to welcome back all those who know what it means to be an Ultimate Aggie, and introduce myself to all the freshman who think kissing on the A is as far as traditions go.
My name is Greg Boyles and I’ll be walking you through what I anticipate to be this year’s agenda.
August will be a hectic month as everyone shells out un-godly amounts of money for books and tuition. After this, hundreds of students will flock to Wal-Mart to purchase Macaroni and Cheese and red Jell-O.
September will bring warm weather and traveling preachers. These sidewalk evangelists will attract statewide attention and draw crowds of angry religious groups who see fit to pummel them with bibles and Books of Mormon.
Also scheduled for September, is the USU vs. U of U football game where I anticipate our team will destroy those red heads from Salt Lake City and prove to the student body that, come hell or high water, this year’s going to be different.
October will be a fun month as the snow begins to fall and students hop on blocks of ice to charge down Old Main Hill. This activity will lead to numerous broken noses and an increase in dental appointments.
October will also play host to the ever-famous Howl, a party where anything goes, despite all the rules, and nothing stays on.
As November rolls around, faith will be renewed in USU sports fans as our men’s basketball team begins their season. In their first game, our men will play a team from Canada. Their tallest player is just under six feet, and we will beat them by a 50-point spread.
Basketball season will also be a learning experience for many of the freshman who have grown up believing politeness is the way to win a home game. Hundreds of first-year students will be shocked to discover proper etiquette at an Aggie ball game includes threatening jibes, inappropriate chants, creative signs, dancing 90-year-olds and a student section large enough to man a small army.
December will be a stressful month as finals get closer and time gets shorter. It is always these moments that attract pranksters, probably freshmen, who will let loose a foghorn in the library at midnight. This will seem amusing for a moment until hundreds of sleep-deprived seniors throw the perpetrators from the roof.
January will bring with it fresh powder for ski bums and new hope for all those who failed the previous semester. Chances are, however, that those who failed will continue to stay up late playing Guitar Hero and neglect classes for a month ensuring their future as either a video game creator or a garbage man.
February will be short but sweet as Valentine’s Day brings roses and heart shaped candies to significant others and really tough professors. A scandal will most likely ensue.
March will drag on like purgatory until spring break, at which time many students will depart for California to take part in a Royal Caribbean cruise. The ship will be filled to the brim with pasty white Utahans who have spent all winter wrapped in ski jackets and ugg boots. This will not bode well for the reputation of Utah so start tanning now.
April will prove to be a busy month when the Statesman covers a social group on campus (still to be determined) and inadvertently piss them all off.
This month will also be the first time many of the student body have felt warmth in months, but that will all change when the big man upstairs decides Logan does not deserve nice weather, and begins the winter process all over again.
May will be a grand month as all the seniors who have made it through four years of schooling without an aneurysm prepare to graduate. It will be a horrible tragedy, however, when many of them realize majors such as journalism and English do not pay as much as engineering, and they re-enlist for another four years.
So to all of you, I say welcome. And prepare for one hell of a year.