COLUMN: What I’m not doing for Valentine’s Day
Only 10 days. Yes, just 10 short days until one of the most anticipated and dreaded holidays of the year. This one is in pretty close competition with Flag Day and Grandparent’s Day for my own personal favorite, but it’s definitely a tough match.
Seeing as how our beloved Valentine’s Day falls this year on a Saturday, there arises great potential for either a weekend of large amounts of fun, or, shall we say, large amounts of not fun. Deciding factors will vary from person to person, but in general there is no middle ground. You are either a Valentine’s lover or a hater. “Lover” being the operative word there – for an optimum V-Day experience you should probably either have one or the potential for one. Funny how that works.
Undoubtedly, everyone wants to know what everyone else is doing for the big day. It is a common question, but one that can be easily and confidently answered regardless of whether or not you plan on spending a romantic evening with the TV remote. “So what are you doing for Valentine’s Day?” Your response: “What am I not doing for Valentine’s Day?” It’s always good to keep people guessing. Plus, it never hurts to throw in a little bit of “hahaha, if you know what I mean …” at the end just to add another element of mystery.
Over the past two weeks or so, my friends and I have proven this format successful in answering relatively any imaginable question. Therefore, feel free to implement this technique into any conversational encounter. Disclaimer: Though this question-avoiding style is effective in any situation, I never implied that it is appropriate in any situation. Please use at your own risk. Example: Your mom asks, “What are you going to give Joe for Valentine’s Day?” Reply: “What am I not going to give Joe for Valentine’s Day? Hahaha, if you know what I mean …” Purely inappropriate.
With the 10-day countdown ticking by just as we … um, read … preparations must be made. First step: Holiday aisle, Wal-Mart – a fine selection of valentines for under $2. Second step: Analyze the cards for hidden meaning and address them with those in mind. My sister and I have finally settled on Mary-Kate and Ashley valentines despite the deep sense of jealous loathing we both feel toward them. It is sacrifices like that which must be made to keep the traditions alive, people. Step three in preparation: Take your personal Valentine’s Day horoscope into consideration. Think of it as a fortune cookie minus the whole messy cookie part, despite the fact that adding the phrase “in bed” to the end might not work quite as perfectly in this version.
Capricorn: In your first class on the 13th, count two people ahead of you and three to the right to find your Valentine’s soul mate.
Aquarius: In the spirit of the holiday, refer to everyone you come in contact with as “lova.” Ex: “Is anyone sitting in that seat, lova?”
Pisces: Whatever your gender, wearing pink and red from head to toe is acceptable and welcomed on Valentine’s Day.
Aries: Upon receiving any “secret admirer” gifts on the big day, stay calm and remember to thank your parents and your roommates.
Taurus: If you have a significant other, think about buying them presents or doing something out of the ordinary. But don’t act on it – remember that it is only the thought that counts.
Gemini: Burning old boyfriend/girlfriend memorabilia has the potential to bring attractive firefighters your way.
Cancer: Show appreciation to friends and loved ones on the 14th by acknowledging their presence when they speak to you.
Leo: Yelling “Hey buster, I’m not that kind of girl!” at all applicable times is a great way to inform the public and potential valentines of your high moral standards. Gender is
irrelevant.
Virgo: Remember that there is more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking, but that is only if you are not really, really, ridiculously good looking.
Libra: Communicating with others by strictly using words and phrases found on candy conversation hearts could be beneficial for you. U R cool.
Scorpio: Referring to others as “sweet spirits” on Valentine’s Day may have negative repercussions.
Sagittarius: If, on the 14th, you do the exact same thing you do every weekend, just give it the title “girls’ (or boys’) night out.” Yeah, that definitely sounds better.
The countdown has begun. Happy Valentine’s Day, lova.
Lindsay Kite is a freshman majoring in print journalism. With questions or comments on how eerily accurate and applicable these horoscopes are, contact lindsaykite@cc.usu.edu.