COLUMN: What I’m thankful for
I’ve been thinking about all the things I could write about this week and with Thanksgiving coming up soon, with the realization that most of you will be trying to get out of here as soon as possible the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I thought it best to address the issue right away so all of you have the opportunity to read about some of the many things I am thankful for.
First off, how could we forget to be thankful for the man that has made this year one of the most memorable since Clinton’s attempt to redefine the White House as The Fornication Palace? Having Junior in charge of this country is like saying Scooby-doo is the leader of the Mystery Machine gang. No, this year we have a man with the intellectual vigor of Sloth from the Goonies. But we certainly are having an adventure, aren’t we America?
You know, I miss the time when the main thing we had to worry about with the leader of this country was why he couldn’t find interns who knew how to do their laundry. Now we have to worry about why he enjoys killing people almost as much as Hugh Hefner enjoys blondes. I wonder how long it’s going to take before Bush Jr. tries to pass a new bill which will put his face on every form of money in this country.
I’m thankful for this time of fear we all get to partake of in which a letter could kill me. What about our key retaliation, to go through fits of evening bomb sessions over the cities of Afghanistan as a fireworks display of American freedom in the attempt to pay back those vulgar heathens who are responsible for taking their religious beliefs and combining them with their agenda. And let us not forget our leaders’ attempts to kill just as many innocent people, if not more, as were killed in New York City and Washington, D.C., just to raise their popularity rating with people like us. You know, our President select W. Bush is such a great, great man.
I’m thankful that governmental funding for abortion clinics has been cut, proving to all those darn Afghanis that they are not the only ones in the world who can oppress and take away the rights of women. At least we allow our women to learn so they know when they are being oppressed. Yes, we do enjoy a life of psychological abuse. We are all for freedom of the mind for this country’s women, just as long as they do what we tell them to.
I’m also thankful for so many little things this year, things I have learned and things I have been reminded of. Things like the realization that you will never be at risk of having premarital sex if you simply plan on never getting married. Things like my deep-rooted feelings of narcissism. Oh, the list could go on and on, but I’m afraid I’d run out of space.
But more than anything, I’m thankful for this magnificent holiday devoted to that moment the founding fathers and settlers of this great land shared a meal with the natives of this country in an act of togetherness. Which took place just before they raped the land from the natives and nearly brought genocide to an entire nation of people. Yes, Thanksgiving is a grand holiday, filled a history so full of thankfulness that consuming jugs of liquid refreshment into forgetfulness sounds downright proper.