COLUMN: What is the worth of an M&M?
Have you ever wondered who’d win in a fight between Mighty Mouse and Superman? This is one of the most frequently asked campfire questions, thanks in large part to the movie “Stand by Me.” Despite the question’s popularity, however, I’d be surprised if many people have actually pondered the answer. After all, all superpowers being equal, Superman is still a man, but Mighty Mouse is just a mouse. Studies have shown men triumph over mice nine out of 10 times. So the answer is simple, Superman would squash Super rat. Life is full of difficult questions like this one. Where did we come from? Why are we here? What will the St. Louis Cardinals do without Mark McGwire in the lineup? The question that’s been giving me the most grief lately is even deeper; it’s a mind-twister. Are you ready for it? Which color of M&M is the most nutritious? This is the question that’s been keeping me up at night. This is the question I cannot answer, no matter where I look. There’s no conclusive scientific evidence. The M&M people haven’t published anything on the subject – as far as they’re concerned, all M&Ms are created equal. But I just can’t buy into that idea. It’s just too easy; it’s too thin. No two M&Ms are exactly the same. Besides, there’s way too many stories out there that indicate certain M&Ms hold more nutritional value than others. Several years ago, the M&M company made a series of advertisements in which two Little-League baseball players claimed certain colors of M&Ms would produce certain types of base hits if consumed directly before each plate appearance. If I remember correctly, Greens produced home runs; Yellows were for triples; Browns produced doubles – you get the idea. These colored M&Ms could not have made a difference in the outcome of a plate appearance if there was no difference in nutritional value. Each M&M would simply have produced a single. However, since the Greens provided the hitter with home-run power, then the nutritional value of a Green M&M must be greater than the nutritional value of the others. It’s the only logical explanation. After countless years of pondering this question, I decided to study the issue. I didn’t bother looking for studies on M&Ms because I figured no one had ever done any. I assume we are pioneers in the M&M field. So, I skipped the actual research step and went out and surveyed people throughout the valley. Of the countless people I talked to, 44 percent of them said Green was probably the most nutritional M&M in the bag. These people commonly likened Green M&Ms to vegetables. “You think of vegetables as being green,” said Cali Lyman, a senior from Los Angeles, Calif. “Greens are healthy,” said 30-year-old Shane Jones of Logan. “Vegetables are healthy, and vegetables are green. Yellow is the color of squash, and that’s good.” Furthermore, the 44 percent that concluded Green was the healthiest color of M&M also seemed to agree that Brown is the least healthy color. “Brown’s a dirt color,” Jones said. “Brown ones remind me of chocolate, and I don’t associate chocolate with healthy food at all,” said Michael Sheen, a runner who is really into the fitness scene (and no, he’s not related to Charlie). Sheen, however, thought yellow and orange were the two most nutritious colors. In fact, of those surveyed, 33 percent thought orange was the most nutritious color and 22 percent thought yellow was the most healthy. Both colors were frequently identified as the color of fruit. “When I think of yellow, I’m thinking of citrus fruits,” Sheen said. “I would say orange would be like second. To me, yellow means healthy. I wouldn’t associate brown foods with health.” While most people agreed Brown M&Ms are the worst for you, a handful of people disagreed. Hyrum resident Matt White is one of the few people who figured brown was one of the healthiest colors in the bag. “Nothing that looks good can be good for you,” White said. “Anything pastel is doomed to kill you. You just don’t want to know what it’d be like if you ate all those pastels – it’d make you cry.” So what can we take from all of this? Not a whole hell of a lot, really. It’s nothing but hearsay. This is just one person’s opinion over another’s. It’s worthless – a lot like most of the literature and poetry you have to read in your English classes. Will my study change the world? You bet. Plus, if Mighty Mouse eats the right color, he might actually whoop Superman once and for all. Then we’d have a real debate on our hands. Until then, we’ll just have to keep studying M&Ms. And for what it’s worth, I’d stay away from the Red M&Ms. One lady I talked to said they had been clinically proven to be bad for you. Personally, I’m sticking with Skittles.