COLUMN: Why did they ever get rid of…?
It’s November, everyone. And before we gab endlessly on Facebook about what we’re thankful for, let’s take a moment and discuss those things that are around to receive gratitude altogether. This is the November edition of “Why Did They Ever Get Rid of…?”
Why did the ever get rid of “Total Request Live?” – This was a no-brainer. We’re talking about the most popular youngins-only television program this side of “Monday Night Raw.”
Not only did it give pre-teen scrunchy wearers everywhere a cavalcade of afternoon entertainment and add some legitimacy to the cultural phenomenon known as Carson Daly, it also gave those same empowered young people a voice. If you had heartstrings enough for Natalie Imbruglia that you felt she needed to be shared with the world then, darn it, that’s your right as an American.
TRL was always an implication of bigger things to come, a travail of hope and perseverance. The biggest proof of this: Where “Monday Night Raw” always built up to Wrestlemania, TRL culminated at the MTV Video Music Awards. Even if you had to cancel every Spirograph council meeting each afternoon, you knew it was worth the effort when the VMAs came around. Truer character never found.
Why did they ever get rid of zip-off pants? – Zip-offs were the best of all three worlds: “I want to be warm when it’s cold,” “I want to be cool when it’s hot,” and “I want to look straight out of a Ja Rule music video.”
These trousers were the perfect mix of stylish and sensible – assuming you were privy to copious amounts of sweat on the back of your knees – and made the statement that even in fashion, you were a Jack of all trades. Few things showed off a sense of control much like owning a pair of these lower-bodied sleeping bags, and unlike their less flashy cousin breakaway pants, they had significantly more terms of use than just merely riding the bench during little league basketball games and dramatic boy band entrances at high school talent assemblies.
Why did they ever get rid of Pepsi Blue? – Have you ever been to a barber who had their supplies in that blue cleaning liquid jar? You know what I’m talking about. If you were insane and inquisitive like me, you always wondered what that stuff must have tasted like.
Pepsi Blue very resoundingly made that dream come true. It was the soda industries take on Kool-Aid, and regardless of what you tell me, it hit hard on all cylinders that didn’t include being marketable, tasting good or having a worthy shelf life.
So, in other words, it was blue. Really blue. And blue is cool, right?
Why did they ever get rid of Slamball? – Do I need to argue th
is at all? It was professional basketball on trampolines. Yes. Trampolines. It was every 11-year-old-with-a-cousin-who-had-a-big-backyard’s dream, and somehow, by powers above all of us, it didn’t catch on.
What would have saved Slamball? It’s simple. Complete the pre-teen boy trifecta and put a pool in the middle. Foolproof. Trust me on this.
Why did they ever get rid of Doritos 3Ds? – 3Ds were special for much more than the babe who did the commercials. It brought the explosive allure of Doritos and put them into action. They were mobile Doritos and inflatable Bugles all at the same time. What they lacked – and believe me, lacked they did – in flavor, they definitely gained in style and stunt-difficulty points. And what’s more, they were the only snack food your parents let you finish in one sitting. A bag of 3Ds never lasted an hour, let alone a day. One trip to the cupboard and they just became reduced to the bottom of a Frosted Shredded Wheat box. These are facts, people. Believe me when I say 3Ds were so much more than met the eye.
That being said, the girl in the Doritos commercial was totally a babe, though. She made it okay to listen to 98 Degrees. That’s talent.