COLUMN: Why the news is annoying
The News
I’ve finally discovered something I find more annoying than those Geico commercials – CNN’s coverage of the war. Actually, I’d have to say CNN’s coverage of anything.
I understand the need to discuss current events, actually let’s clarify that, I understand the need to report current events, but I do believe there is something called overdoing it. I haven’t had to deal with anything this well done since I was in Boy Scouts trying to cook smores and my marshmallows kept turning out like Yellowstone back in 1988. But just like those marshmallows, there is a lot of warm, white, sticky goo found in the news.
I mean I do appreciate the comedic timing involved in all of the dramatic pauses between the home anchor and the field reporter who is halfway across the world. I find moments like that comforting as well. It’s nice to know that no matter how much money a news network has at its disposal they still have to deal with the same crappy long distance connections all of common America has to.
Look, I’m sure the news is very grateful for the Sept. 11 disaster, the anthrax in the mail and this war on terrorism, because let’s face it, they haven’t had ratings this good since the O.J. Simpson trial. You can tell they’ve been hurting for ratings too, simply by the way they have been covering this whole fiasco.
Seriously, how much television coverage is needed to discuss a video recording from a missile running into a building. Personally, I thought it only takes two showings, the 5 o’clock news and again at 10 o’clock, but mainly for a recap, but boy am I wrong. Apparently it takes three days of constant 24-hour coverage with minute-by-minute analysis of video from retired generals to missile flight pattern experts. Then we still need additional recaps of all this coverage in a little scrolling word bar that constantly repeats short reiterations of what has been discussed earlier that day.
This is the type of coverage that causes one to resort back to the days where you turn on the radio over the sound of the television and just sit and giggle when you hit those moments when it looks like the people on the television are lip-synching to the songs on the radio. And let me just say for the record that if you time it right, anchor Aaron Brown does a mean version of the Jesus and Mary Chain singing their rendition of Surfin’ USA.
I’d also like to share my gratitude to the news for all of the health experts educating me as to the symptoms and human susceptibilities to anthrax. I was positive that I have currently contracted anthrax three times since this whole anthrax scare began. But it turns out I’ve only been suffering from a recurring cold.
I do think some reporters have done a good job in bringing to light warning signs that were overlooked. Things like the knowledge our government had of terrorists taking flying lessons prior to the assault on New York. The problem with this is now we have to sit through interviews with conspiracy theory experts who are kind enough to speculate that this was all a ploy by our defense department to get an unlimited spending budget. Then we’ll have to deal with experts on conspiracy theory experts and the whole thing just keeps going.
And what about all the speculation queries that the news reporters and anchors are projecting on all their victims? Since when has the news began focusing on someone’s speculation on a current situation instead of reporting about what is actually taking place?
Personally, I think we should work on passing a bill that states if the news is not reporting actual news, the entire reporting team should be soaked in a tub filled with Mr. Bubbles for three hours so they are a nice pruny texture and then be publicly popped on the butt with a wet towel while they sing apologies to the American people to the tune of Freak on a Leash. All of which would be aired in place of their nightly time slot. I’ll bet the news would become much more pertinent for everyone if this were to actually pass.
If anything, I suppose I can always turn off the news and go watch Harry Potter. It’s not like they’ll be talking about anything new when I get back.