Daniel’s totally subjective NFL mock draft Top 10
The NFL Draft is the armchair quarterback’s dream. Three days of discussing largely unknown college football prospects where if the hot take is hot enough, no one cares about the evidence. I mean, take a look at this quote from ESPN’s Mel Kiper Jr. ten years ago on JaMarcus Russell:
“JaMarcus Russell is going to immediately energize that fanbase, that football team — on the practice field, in that locker room. Three years from now you could be looking at a guy that’s certainly one of the elite top five quarterbacks in this league. …You’re talking about a 2-3 year period once he’s under center. Look out because the skill level that he has is certainly John Elway-like.”
If you’re busy Googling who JaMarcus Russell was, you’re not alone. His search popularity spikes yearly right around the time of the NFL Draft. Suffice it to say Russell’s name goes down along with Ryan Leaf as one of the biggest draft busts in NFL history. After going number one to Oakland in 2007, Russell was already out of the league by 2010. In short, he was not John Elway.
In honor of that time-honored tradition of good-intentioned, but horribly proven hot takes, I introduce the Shiz Hits the Fan Mock Draft. Instead of drafting according to how I feel the draft may turn out, or how I feel it should turn out, we’re gonna get a little crazy with a bunch of hot takes and poor life decisions. That way, ten years from now when the Cleveland Browns win their third straight Super Bowl (or, more likely, demoted to the CFL), everyone can quote me on my idiocy.
- Cleveland Browns – Mitch Trubisky, QB, North Carolina
In truth, the swirling rumors of the Browns entertaining Trubisky at number pick is an excellent smoke screen set to lure a team into trading a haul of picks to the Browns. However, I do like Trubisky as a developmental QB prospect. Plus, head coach Hue Jackson is a quarterback whisperer. This is the same guy who turned Andy Dalton into an MVP candidate and despite the putridity of the team last year, the level of play Jackson was able to extract out of QBs like Cody Kessler and Kevin Hogan was actually pretty remarkable. Give Jackson Trubisky and several years to acquire talent around him, and I can legitimately see Trubisky being an above-average to elite QB in the NFL.
- San Francisco 49ers – Myles Garrett, DE, Texas A&M
And thus, the 49ers will field one of the best defensive lines in all of football several years down the road. Seriously. Last year’s draft pick, Deforest Buckner, had a quiet rookie campaign, but finished 31st in ProFootballFocus’s grade rankings for interior lineman. The 49ers defense was once dominant. A Garrett-Buckner tandem could have the talent to bring it back.
- Chicago Bears – Mike Williams, WR, Clemson
Item number one – the Bears are not that great at drafting. Item number 2 – Mike Glennon is not that great at quarterbacking. With lead wide receiver Alshon Jeffery leaving for Philadelphia, the Bears need some help for their new $15 million QB, reaching quite a bit for the Clemson standout.
- Jacksonville Jaguars – Jonathan Allen, DE
How does this sound for a defensive line? Malik Jackson, Dante Fowler Jr., Yannick, Ngakoue, Sheldon Day, and Jonathan Allen. That line would be a lot of things. Not shabby would be one of them. The Jaguars ignore any health risks Allen may pose and put together what could be a dominant line in the AFC South.
- Tennessee Titans – Leonard Fourn…
No. I just can’t bring myself to do that.
- Tennessee Titans – John Ross, WR, Washington
And that shiz hits the fan. This actually makes a lot of sense to me. Tennessee’s ‘exotic smashmouth’ run game doubled as both an effective offense last year and a terrific name for a Smashmouth tribute band made up entirely of former strippers. Now add the fastest guy in NFL Combine history. Teams could no longer load the box to stop DeMarco Murray and Derrick Henry. Did we just make the AFC South an infinitely more interesting division in just the previous two picks? Yes. Yes we did.
- New York Jets – Deshaun Watson, QB, Clemson
Another way to look a bad pick is that the team itself had an incorrect hot take on a player. The Denver Broncos selecting Tim Tebow in the first round? Makes a lot more sense when you view John Elway and other Bronco executives as anonymous Twitter eggs. Here is the Jets’ hot take: after selecting Geno Smith, Bryce Petty and Christian Hackenberg in the past few years, we feel confident selecting Watson at sixth overall. Hey! That’s exactly 140 characters.
FILE- In this Oct. 29, 2016, file photo, Stanford running back Christian McCaffrey (5) stiff-arms Arizona linebacker Paul Magloire Jr. during the first half of an NCAA college football game in Tucson, Ariz. What he lacks in size and power, McCaffrey makes up for with speed, quickness and versatility. (AP Photo/Rick Scuteri, File)
- Los Angeles Chargers – Christian McCaffrey, RB, Stanford
Find someone who loves you as much as California loves California. Alright, McCaffrey is originally from Colorado. However, this still would make a ton of sense. The Chargers’ offense utilized Danny Woodhead beautifully, but he’s now in Baltimore. McCaffrey is basically Woodhead after eating a mushroom in Super Mario. He’s got speed, power, and can catch out of the backfield. Would Philip Rivers trade getting an actual offensive line for that? Probably not, but that’s not what this column is all about.
- Carolina Panthers – Solomon Thomas, DE, Stanford
A prop bet that picks McCaffrey being picked before fellow teammate Thomas might actually pay out pretty well. Anyways, the Panthers attempt to return their defense to a Black Friday-stampede level. Short answer: it does. The corners got progressively better as the season wore on in 2016. Add in a decent pass rush and they should get even better. Somewhere, Luke Kuechly is smiling.
- Cincinnati Bengals – Leonard Fournette, RB, LSU
Hue Jackson left. Mohamed Sanu and Marvin Jones left. Subsequently, the offense fell apart. But was it the passing game that was to blame, or the lack of a consistent running game? The Bengals finished 13th in total rushing yards, but only managed a tie for 20th in average yards per rush with 4.0. Fournette averaged 6.5 yards per carry his last two years at LSU. If the Bengals wanted to make a splash, this is a freaking tsunami.
- Buffalo Bills – Deshone Kizer, QB, Notre Dame
Does anyone really feel like the Bills trust Tyrod Taylor for the future? He’s on a two-year contract, with a possible out after one. Kizer will need a few years to learn to play in the NFL, especially if you take his college coach’s word for it. Plus, he fits right in line with the Bills’ long tradition of selecting QBs from blue-blood programs that fail to fulfill the hype in the pros. JP Losman and EJ Manuel would have to approve of this pick.