Dating customs differ around the world
He knelt down on one knee and took out a small ring box – “Will you marry me?”
Typically in the United States, the male proposes to the female after some sort of courtship and engagement period. In other countries, however, dating and marriage customs are not the same.
Indranil Sen, a graduate student in chemistry from India, said the dating customs in his country are a little different than they are in America.
In India, relationships are taken seriously by the women. Many girls do not want to date for fun, they look for more serious and permanent relationships, Sen said.
He said he has also seemed to take his relationships seriously, always wanting to do anything to make them work out.
“It is always tough to ask for a date from a girl unless you know her,” Sen said. “When you like a person a lot, you have certain expectations of what they should do [once in a relationship].”
However, it was not until recent generations that dating and marriage customs in India became more relaxed.
In earlier generations parents arranged the marriages of their children. The groom’s family would seek out another family, who had a good background, and then chose a bride for their son, Sen said.
The religious majority in India is Hindu. Hindu people seem to be more open-minded about marriage while Muslims are more strict to traditions, Sen said.
Being Hindu, and growing up in a different generation than his relatives, Sen has been able to make his own choices. It is more accepted today for people to make their own decisions about dating and marriage, while some still stick with the traditions of the arranged marriage, Sen said.
“Arranged marriages, or dates even, can make you feel awkward or stupid,” he said. “But you do not have the headache of choosing someone because your parents take care of it. In an arranged marriage, no one knows what to expect and so expectations are less.”
Sen said arranged marriages aren’t as popular as they were when his parents were married.
“Arranged marriage worked for my parents,” he said. “There are always exceptions to everything, but pretty much for the last generations, arranged marriages seemed to work.”
Sen said his family is flexible about things because they have been exposed to many cultures, however, if Sen ever chose to marry a non-Indian, he would be the first in his family.
“I can marry of my choice, but it is a sensitive subject and I try to be conscious of my family,” he said.
Generally speaking, most people can be categorized into different groups whether it is race, ethnicity or religion. Within these groups it is most common for people to date and marry within “their” group, Sen said.
“It would be hard to marry outside any group,” he said. “In my opinion it seems that people prefer to marry within their group. For example, it would be easier for me to marry a girl from India who already shares the same culture, enjoys the same food and speaks the language.”
It all depends on the environment and how well people adjust to it, Sen said.
“Some people date out of their culture and it is not very awkward or bad,” Sen said. “I have not tried [to date here] but it would be easy for me to accept.”
Newlyweds, Christabel Tomla Ambe and Tanifum Eric Ambe spoke of their recent marriage in their country of Cameroon.
Before a couple commits to dating, the relationship is taken very seriously, Tanifum said. Typically in Cameroon, the male asks the female out and pays for things.
“Compared to here, people do not date as serious. From what I have seen, people date for fun,” Tanifum said. “They may have the same emotional levels, but no where near the same seriousness level.”
Females take things very seriously, Christabel said. When males do not take the relationship seriously the female is left frustrated.
Some people around the world do not appreciate public displays of affection. As far as intimacy goes, in Cameroon it is not done in the open, Tanifum said.
“[The people] value it very much and reserve intimacy between the couple in closed doors,” he said.
In Cameroon, dating lasts a long time; four to six years is not uncommon and dating involves the two families, Christabel said.
“It takes a long time because the families have to get to know each other’s tribe,” Christabel said. “Some tribes have a history of disease or witchcraft – families are very concerned.”
During the long dating period the family asks a lot of questions of the couple to check for compatibility.
“It is a period to find out what is good and bad about the other,” Tanifum said. “Families have a huge influence.”
However, once a couple has made a decision to commit to each other, the family becomes accepting and does not try to impose.
Tanifum and Christabel knew each other for one year, dated for three and were married last week in Cameroon.
Weddings in Cameroon are typically very big.
“It’s a huge party with lots of dancing and food,” Christabel said.
There are three types of weddings the couple goes through in Cameroon.
First is the traditional type. This is when the head of the bride’s family “gives” the bride to the groom’s family.
“The groom does not have to be present, but if he is there he does not say anything, he is simply an observer,” Christabel said.
The second type is the legal part – when the mayor makes the marriage legal.
The third type is eccliesiastical. It is for Christians where the priest blesses the marriage.
“It varies from tribe to tribe, but usually all three are performed,” Christabel said.
In Cameroon there are about 243 ethnic groups, Tanifum said, and some people demand dowry, whether high or low.
“Commonly, people tend to marry within their tribe, but lately it is more acceptable to marry outside the tribe,” Tanifum said.
In Cameroon, weddings are not viewed only as a union of two people, but of two families, Tanifum said.
For each of these students, it is different to live in American culture, but not necessarily difficult. Sometimes when people get involved in their routine lives, they forget people are indeed different.
-klm@cc.usu.edu