Differences in dating
Dating is rough.
With emotions running high from hook-ups to break-ups and the relationships in between, the meat market can be a scary place. Throw in a couple of other interesting factors and it all adds up to one sometimes frightening part of life: dating in Utah – especially for someone who’s not a Mormon.
Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are encouraged to date within their religion and marry in the church’s temples. For believers of
other faiths in Utah, this may make dating more difficult, as they are the
minority in the state where 62.4 percent of the population is LDS.
“Coming here was the most difficult move in my life,” said Andrew Hall, a USU junior majoring in accounting. “There is a different social and cultural perspective here and it was difficult to bond and make friends similar to me who had similar interests.”
Hall, a Methodist, said he moved to Logan from Michigan two years ago and has since been involved in several relationships with LDS girls.
“At first [religion] is never a problem or issue,” he said. “But sometimes
the choices one of us would make would create more tension than if I was
dating someone with the same faith.”
Hall said he felt like he wasn’t always himself around some LDS girls he
dated, adding that he wasn’t allowed to consume alcohol when he was with
them. He also said the whole dating experience in Utah is a little different from other places he has experienced.
“Activities are similar, like going to dinner or movies,” he said. “But you
have more pressure to impress girls and do something extravagant. [Dating]
requires more confidence here.”
Ted Twinting, a senior in history, grew up in Utah and has lived in Sandy,
St. George and Logan. He said he dated several LDS girls during high
school, even though he has never practiced the religion and it’s never been an
issue for him.
“I’m so used to it,” he said. “I’ve done the whole stake dance thing where
you’re supposed to dance, but you’re not allowed to touch each other.”
The main differences he said he saw with LDS girls were that some didn’t watch
PG-13 and R-rated movies and they usually asked him to watch his language. Since attending USU, Twinting said he’s met new people and dated other girls, but religion has never been a concern in his relationships.
“People need to drop the religion thing. It doesn’t matter,” he said. “If you’re looking for marriage it matters, but if you’re just looking to date and have fun and alleviate some of the stress of going to school, it doesn’t matter.”
Logan LDS institute instructor Scot Irwin said dating other members matters to LDS people because, “You marry who you date. The more factors you include that are different, the harder the marriage will be.”
Irwin said interfaith marriages can work, noting his mother has been married to his step-father, a Catholic, for 30 years. However, he did say that when the couple has faced problems, they have usually been because of religion.
Finding people with similar values is important, Irwin said, and if LDS people date people outside of their religion, they risk getting married outside of
temples.
“The temple is the crowning mortal moment. Everything we teach and do leads up to that moment. It drives so much of what we do,” Irwin said.
To marry in the temple, a person must be a member of the LDS Church, abstain from alcohol, illegal drugs and premarital sex, among other requirements.
“People need to be patient and try to understand our culture,” Irwin said.
“Join us or find other people out there with great values who are just as
dateable.”
Interfaith dating can work though, Hall said, as long as both people are open and flexible. Not all relationships have to be about getting married, he said.
Too many people in Utah, whether Mormon or not, feel pressure to get married
younger because it’s normal here, Hall said. People can date for fun and don’t
have to let religion play such a big part in the dating scene, he said.
Ikram Osman disagrees.
“I do think religion is important,” she said. “Why date someone you can’t
marry? Why waste your time?”
Osman, who is majoring in psychology, moved to Utah from Somalia when she was 14 years old. She was brought up as a Muslim and said she understands why Mormons often don’t date outside their religion and it has never bothered her.
No matter the circumstance, though, when dating, people shouldn’t change to impress others, Hall added.
“Be yourself. I wouldn’t worry about offending people and don’t do things to
make them like you,” Hall said. “When I first moved here, I tried to be more
conservative and even though I had a lot of girlfriends, I didn’t like them as much.”
It’s possible to have good relationships and find things to do together even
if both people don’t share the same religion, Twinting emphasized.
“Obviously, you’re not going to take a Mormon to a bar and share a Big Dog,” he said.
Dating Mormons can work, he added, and when people have problems with interfaith dating, it’s a self-conflicted issue they create.
“Don’t get too caught up in religion,” Hall said. “It should be more about a
person-to-person connection.”
-mnewbold@cc.usu.edu