Do nothing for no reason

I think banality hit a Guinness Book of World Record high today. I heard a story on National Public Radio about a guy who wrote a book about his quest to wash dishes in all 50 states. To make it even worse, it turns out that he actually didn’t reach his Everest; he quit early because his new wife said enough is enough. The publisher should have also slapped him in the face and NPR should have flushed the story along with all the stories about world record collections of garden gnomes and world’s longest beef jerky.

Still, we need more of the transcontinental dishwashing type stories. We need more people doing something worthwhile for publicity. Washing dishes is noble pursuit. I would add to the list plumbing, picking up litter and doing anything for old people. Let’s stop all this needless mountain climbing and marathon efforts and start doing things that people really need. How about cleaning teeth or picking up dog poop in every state? These aren’t very media sexy, but they are things people need more than triathlons for breast cancer.

I don’t think the dishwashing guy was doing it for anything other than a book deal. I have to say this was better than the usual doing-something-for-something stories. The story usually revolves around some athletic feat that person wants to do for some medical or environmental cause. I don’t know anybody who starts playing Frisbee golf to cure cancer or to stop global warming; but there are quite a few people who look at their athletic skill set and think, “Hmm, how can I get someone to give me money to do this for a good cause?”

I’ve spent a large portion of my life on stupid athletic pursuits but I have seldom done them for any cause. The problem with Skiing to Florida for Cancer or Swimming Across Nevada for Diabetes is that you really could have raised more money and awareness by spending eight hours a day asking people for donations or writing grants. You could have raised more money standing around the mall with a bell and a donation can. You don’t see the Salvation Army having their bell-ringing Santa Clauses out jogging for the cause.

This is de-evolution. We have mutated into this need for all of our activities to have meaning. Therefore I declare this Do Nothing for No Reason Week.

If you want to bounce a ping pong ball across Death Valley while wearing a scuba diving suit, please do so, just don’t connect it to some social cause to give creditability to your lunacy. Or if you must display this arcane prowess, connect the stunt to a cause that is at least vaguely connected to the activity. So if you want to bounce a ping pong ball across Death Valley while wearing a scuba diving suit, do sit to raise money for mental health or ping pong players who have died of dehydration. There are probably five or six people out there who will thank you.

Dennis Hinkamp says this is his 442nd consecutive column written to raise awareness for compulsive behavior disorders.