FIFA might be the worst game ever made

Screw FIFA.

No, not the billion-dollar worldwide soccer enterprise plagued by corrupt supervillains. The game. The mindless soccer video game which, by the work of what I can only assume is the devil himself, has reached such inexplicable levels of popularity that even people like me are playing it — and I don’t even particularly enjoy soccer.

I like to consider myself a pretty level-headed guy. The list of things that seriously bother me is a short one — campus elections, Subaru drivers, misspelling the word “definitely” and Yankees fans pretty much cover all my bases. But something about playing FIFA brings out a particular brand of untethered rage that can’t be explained nor excused.

It’s the closest thing we have to old-school arcade games here in 2016, because it’s simply impossible to win. Your buddy Brad could be playing as the worst team in the game, and it won’t matter. When that 88th minute rolls around, one of his pinheaded players will dance around your entire defense and bounce a goal in off of your hapless goalie’s midsection and celebrate like an animal.

The inevitability of this turn of events only grows more bitter with each progressive loss. The past hour of your life will feel like a complete waste while you look on in horrified silence, watching some team called the Bray Wanderers parade around their virtual stadium.

It’s infuriating. It’s a wonder people even play this game at all. For decades it seemed like Monopoly held the title for canceler of friendships and divider of families, so much so that while everyone currently owns a version, it hasn’t left the game cupboard in years. Everyone you meet will have had a bad experience with Monopoly. Suggesting it at a party or game night will only ever be met with tired groans.

One would think FIFA would meet that same fate, but instead its popularity grows one broken TV screen and one controller-shaped hole in the wall after another.

I’ve considered the possibility that perhaps it’s just a personal problem. Admittedly, I’m not great at video games — I play as the ice climbers in Super Smash Bros just to have a readily available excuse for losing. But it can’t be just me, because everyone I’ve talked to has the same anger management issue specifically when it comes to FIFA.

As a sports fan I try to keep the list of real-world athletes I truly despise to a minimum, but after just a few rounds of FIFA Luis Suarez has managed to make my hate list. I don’t care how big of a star he is, if I ever ran into Suarez on a random street corner I’d let him know he was garbage. Of all players to give godlike powers to, FIFA’s developers chose Suarez.

Suarez is the unstoppable Bo Jackson running play of modern sports gaming, only in Tecmo Bowl that kind of thing was hilarious, and in FIFA it makes everything in arm’s reach a potential projectile.

The absolute worst aspect of this haunted game isn’t the predictable turn of events late in matches or Luis Suarez, it’s that there’s no way out. At this very moment I find myself drawn to the idea of playing it just one more time, because maybe this time will be different.

FIFA is Lucy pretending she’s not about to pull the football out from in front of poor Charlie Brown. It’s the thought that maybe Village Inn chicken strips might be an acceptable alternative to Buffalo Wild Wings. It’s whatever lie you tell yourself to feel better about a mistake you know you’re bound to make.

If you haven’t played FIFA yet, be smart — don’t start. Only crushing defeat and self-loathing await you, at the hands of freaking Luis Suarez.

— Logan Jones is a junior majoring in journalism. He recently went 0-3 in thumb wrestling matches so maybe it just isn’t his week. Contact him at logantjones@aggiemail.usu.edu or on Twitter @Logantj.